Depression After Childbirth: NO SECRET!

I've written about it before. I tell most friends if it comes up. All my close friends and family know. I had Post Partum Depression with both babies. It was a TON better with Jesse, mainly because I knew what to expect and second I knew the steps to take to get over it.

Anyway. This blog, A Cup Of Joe, that I LOVE. Just posted on her struggle with it after weaning.

I'll be honest I never expected it from such a seemingly fabulous, chic girl.

Just shows all of us women that it effects anyone it chooses. It's not our fault and help is out there.

Take a minute to read her blog. It's awesome.

We Survived! 2011

Last year this time I was very much pregnant. Probably sitting on the couch much like I am tonight.

 TRYING to make it until 12 am...but I didn't make it and this year I probably won't make it either.

 Emery is feeling pretty miserable. I think it is just a virus. She has a nasty cough and a fever. I am PRAYING that tomorrow she feels better.

 Jesse had his ENT check up yesterday and his ears are looking good. He is cutting teeth like crazy, 5 now! I know that makes him uncomfortable and he is also getting so frustrated not being able to walk. I think he will definitely be walking before his birthday, but we'll see.

 Last year I made no resolutions. I knew I needed to just have a healthy baby and keep him, Emery, myself and Benji alive during the next year!

Well I successfully accomplished that. Emery is now 3 and 1/2 and Jesse almost ONE!!!

I can not believe how fast the year went. This year I am hoping to get back into a better, stable routine around the house.

Those newborn months are hairy! I know I just go into survival mode. This year I am hoping to get back to being more organized about simple things like laundry, dishes, cooking, etc.

 I also know I need to get healthy A.G.A.I.N...I try to tell myself that these are just my "plump fertile years" ahaha. But I know I need to lose weight and start exercising again.

 I lost most of Emery's baby weight, now I need to lose Jesse's.

 I'm leaving you in 2011 with the most precious blessing we received this year! JESSE WALLACE LADD! I am so thankful God saw fit to bless us with the task of raising him.

May I never take that honor for granted.

Turkey Sandwiches and Lasagna

To be honest, I was a little bummed when I learned that we would be celebrating Thanksgiving, with Benji's extended family,(and my mom, sister and nephew) the Saturday BEFORE Thanksgiving. I have been so exhausted and we haven't been home for a weekend in over a month. But I realized quickly that if we had Thanksgiving on Saturday, that would mean we would have a few days at home TOGETHER!!!

Today, (Thanksgiving) has been such a great day. Benji and I both worked around the house yesterday and today. We got a ton of stuff done that has been weighing on me for awhile.

I got a ton of Jesse's baby clothes put up, groceries bought!(hallelujah). I cooked two meals in two days, which I haven't gotten to do in forever. I cleaned the bathrooms and my car! Oh and Emery's room.

Benji got the garage cleaned, the yard cleaned up and all the laundry put up.

Jesse has been crawling like crazy. His favorite toys are electrical chords, Benji's nasty shoes and Emery's beaded necklaces...sigh heart attack!

My favorite thing in the world is to stay home as a family TOGETHER, eat three meals around the table and just hang out in the house. I LOVE our home and when we are all here together my heart is so full.

So today we watched the parade, which Emery loved, took naps, watched football, ate Turkey sandwiches for lunch and had lasagna for dinner. I say it was the most perfect thanksgiving ever....and listen, trust me we have had our share of meals already, I had our 3rd annual GNO feast, which is always the best to me. Our meal at church which is amazing and then finally the one of Saturday at Benji's parent's home. It is always sooo gooo and I am always so tired, I have to have a nap! We are so blessed in America and even so many here are suffering today. My heart has been heavy for those who have no one to be with and for the ones who went hungry today.

Our GNO FEAST! YUMMMM



Emery and Jesse being cute at Grammy's



Emery's Thanksgiving Feast at School


Emery and Jesse at Grammy's Thanksgiving Saturday. All the fun wore Jesse out!

This Is Why I'm Fat

Okay, here are my excuses.

No really, I know there are no excuses. I eat too much and don't run enough.

BUT for real... I am one of those girls who just does not back bounce from pregnancy, AT ALL. I have to work hard, hard, hard.

Did very well with not gaining too much weight with Jesse. But I started 20lbs heavier than I wanted too.

Then I had a C-section, which ain't no cake walk.

Then when Jesse was 6 weeks he earned him self 4 days back in the hospital- that threw a kink in my progression.

Then Benji went to Brazil for 2 weeks, then we went to the beach with the youth, then vacation with the family for 10 days.....

Then I got sick, real sick and had to have my gall bladder out and they yanked out my uvula, WHICH you'd think would have helped my weight but they told me to drink milk shakes, so duh, I did.

Then I went back to the beach with my girl friends, then I went back to the beach with my LUVA Benji for our 10 year anniversary.

NOW! Now, I find myself 10lbs heavier than I was the week after Jesse was born! WHAT THE HEY HEY!!!! FOR REALZ!????

So I am here to say that it is on! I am over this flabby, saggy, waggy, draggy-ness.

Aden+Anais Where Have You Been?

Hello lovers of all things baby.

These blankets will make you faint. Aden+Anais

I some how just found out about these. A few friends mentioned them when I was griping about how Jesse covers his face with his blankets.

They are light, breathable, adorable and HUGE! Great for folding and swaddling.

I may have to have just one more baby so I can use them to swaddle. I feel like Jesse didn't need to be swaddled as much as Emery, we did it forever with her.

They have them cheaper at Target and Buy Buy Baby.

Baby Grass

This has got to be my favorite new baby product, besides Sophie that I bought when Jesse was born.

I LOVE it! It looks so cute on my counter and it is functional. I don't have to worry about the bottles getting dirty again in the sink drying rack and I don't have to worry about the brush scrubber I use getting dirty.

I've got two close friends that just had babies, one has TWINS! and one has a baby girl. They may or may not be getting these two things...hint hint Jocie and Amanda! :)

Just A Little Bit

I had all the intentions of blogging alot tonight.

We had a great day but I am beat.

Emery had what I thought was a bladder infection. It wasn't, just some chaffing and irritated skin due to summer time heat, swimming you know.

Anyway they needed a urine sample. So I held my stubborn 2 year old over the toilet at the Dr's office for an H.O.U.R.

I really thought they may have to cath her to get a sample. Finally I promised her enough bribes that she let out just enough drops to get a culture.

She didn't have one.

Definitely the worst Dr's appointment experience I've had so far.

Except for the day I had to take Jesse at 6 weeks and they sent me straight to the hospital.

So. I'm tired.

I leave you with two pictures I think are great.

One from Benji's Brazil trip.

One from my GNO last night....SOOO FUNNN!

Hopefully next week during vacation I will have time to blog away.

P.S. Jesse slept from 830 to 530 last night.

Confession: I'm A Baby Wise Fraud

I can't do it. Not this time.

There is something about this child that I can not let him cry it out.

And actually we never did it much with Emery. At least not until she was over a year old and just "crying" for attention or fighting sleep, being defiant.

I confess. I'm a fraud. I preach this book so much! haha! And I do believe in it's key points as to why kids/babies need sleep.

Jesse is doing okay. Not awesome but not terrible. He goes to sleep great, no rocking, he is self soothing, uses a paci (which is another baby wise no no). He just isn't making it much longer than 5 hours a night yet.

He has made it 11 to 6 on occasion. He did it for a good while, long enough for me to think it may be routine....But it didn't last.

Then these dag gum teeth started coming in. I'm serious he has got a mouth full of swollen gums. I'm surprised he has done as good as he has.

So when I say we are tired. I really mean it. I am so so so tired.

Those people who's babies sleep through the night at 6 weeks.

I hate them.

Really.

Jesse had PEAS today!!!!

He had cereal (with a pinch of bananas, shhh) last week. So tonight I tried some peas.

He has actually done way better than Emery ever did. I started with her at this age and had to quit and start her back at six months. Jesse is all about it though. He seems to really like it.

I can't explain how glad I am Benji is home now. I just feel so incomplete when he isn't here. I know that sounds corny. But really my life is just better with him here.

Please pray for my friend Rebecca. This is her caring bridge page.

My heart is so heavy for her and her family. She has a son Emery's age and is a single mom. Pray that she wakes up. With every ounce of faith you have, pray that God sees fit to allow her to wake up.

My Week In Review

Woahhh! I have mucho news to share here!

Jesse has finally started making it from around 11pm until 630am...then from about 7am until 10am. Which I call sleeping through the night! A few nights have been hit and miss this week, but I think he is getting into schedule of making all night.

Emery also decided this week that she was ready to go pee and poop on the potty. Praise the LORDDDD!!! Seriously, I didn't realize how much this was stressing me out until she did it this week. I feel so much better! I have known for awhile that she was ready I just couldn't get her to do it! Well this week she decided that whatever reward we were offering was good enough for her to submit to our demands...ha!

She has to be able to go, wipe and pull up her pants all by herself by the time she starts K3 in August. Well her birthday is July, 31st so alot of kids have had a while longer to perfect the art of pottying...haha. I am just glad we have the rest of the summer to get it together before she goes to school.

I can say that I am soo so proud of her! all my accomplishments in the past pale in comparison to potty training my child! ha!

This week brings father's day and my birthday. Every 7 years or so my birthday falls on father's day. This year we are celebrating father's day for Benji on Saturday and my birthday on Sunday.

I told Benji all I wanted this year was a clean house and for us to all be home as a family. So we started cleaning tonight and hopefully will be done by Sunday.

He also got me 2 tomato plants. It's kind of late to be planting tomatoes but they already had some fruit on them and they were on sale, so we planted them to see what we get. It stays hot here so long that I think they will give us some good tomatoes for awhile.

I went and got my hair did again today, my birthday gift from my mama. She, my sister and nephew came up yesterday to hang out and go to lunch. Emery and Asher have such a great time playing together.

If Ya don't know by now, my sister takes amazing pictures. Basically any pictures that look professional are either taken by my sis or by one of my friends. I usually only take pictures with my phone, Which is good and bad.... anyway. We had a great time with them, I only wish we lived closer!

My Twins

Benji and I laugh all the time that out of all the genetic possibilities, out of all the facial characteristics that our kids could have gotten, they turned out looking exactly alike!

It's amazing to me how dominate some features are.

One thing is for sure I hit the jack pot when I chose Benji as my partner in procreation! ha! We make some adorable babies.

The Rest Of The Story

In case it isn't' obvious to most of you...which I would imagine it is.

I am one of the lucky mothers who gets to suffer through post partum depression.

I was hoping this time with Jesse would be easier.

It has been different.

But not easier.

I should have known that given my history with anxiety and bouts of depression that I would be a likely candidate for PPD.

But when Emery was born it took me totally by surprise. Hit me out of nowhere. Like a truck.

One of the MAIN reasons I quit breast feeding her, and THE MAIN reason I didn't try with Jesse.

I'm dealing with it, I've had many, many conversations with my Dr. about it.

I love her, by the way. She has made me feel not crazy, reassured me that this is out of my control and that I will get better.

I did get better after Emery was born. The one year mark was like a magic milestone for me.

I hope that this helps people realize why I've been so out of sorts, so random, so paranoid.

I would give ANYTHING to not have to deal with this. But it is my thorn. So I'm embracing it and hopefully some of you out there will feel not as alone.

I know that some will have no clue what PPD feels like.

But some of you, you know how I feel. You know the devastation that comes with PPD.

I love my kids, my husband more than life itself and to feel nothing but darkness after a baby is born is heart breaking.

You never, ever know who is dealing with what. So please do not look at people that you think have it all together and "assume" things.

Every one is fighting some kind of battle. So be kind.

Who's Da Buddha?

Having babies has destroyed my body. More so with numero 2... I can not explain the devastation it causes to have no control over your physical appearance. I gained WAY less this time with Jesse than I did with Emery.

And Yet....It is way harder this time around to lose the left over baby weight. It would be different I think If I had always had weight issues, but I haven't. I struggled with vanity weight, weight that I wanted to lose but didn't need too.

Now I need to lose this weight and let me tell you it is hard to concentrate on healthy eating when you've been up every three hours during the night.

I'm barely staying above water here and the fact that I look like a deflated whale ain't helping.

Of course the babies are worth it. Most of the damage is genetic, meaning some women bounce back from pregnancy better than others. C-sections also add a whole different level to destruction.

I am one of the lucky girls who's genetic make up includes skin that does not bounce back.....

I'm learning to deal. It's just going to take some time.

I Have No Words

DROID Love

Today I am here to admit that I am addicted to my smart phone.

I know, I know, I'm about five years late in jumping on the wagon, BUT I got mine for 100 bucks and I laugh at everyone who paid 500 dollars for an iPhone 5 years ago. :)

One of the biggest reasons I love my phono is the 9 mega pixel camera it has in it.

Every picture I've taken since I got it in February has been taken with my phone. It is so so convenient. I can upload it instantly to my Facebook then I save it to my blog when I use it for a blog post. Every picture you've seen is either from my phone, Benji's phone OR Kathi took it with her camera! Ha! She's a great photographer and I love that she captures so many moments of Emery's life.

I'm still recovering from Benji's trip last week. I am exhausted! Emery has been so difficult lately. I know it's her age but I feel like I fight a new battle every single day.

Yesterday she refused to nap. This behavior is totally new, even when we were having trouble with her getting out of bed at night (which we finally resolved) she was still taking great naps.

Well yesterday she decided it was the day to start acting like a demon possessed two year old.

I ended up holding her door closed for an HOUR while she pulled on the handle and screamed her head off. She was jumping over the baby gate I had put up!

She finally gave up and laid down, slept for an hour. By then Jesse was awake and hungry.

Needless to say that wore me out, physically and emotionally. I still hate hearing her cry, even if I know it's for her own good. Crying for an hour is torture for me as well as for her.

MMO started back again this week, so hopefully we will have a good May with no more hospital stays or sickness!

Once she gets out of school for the summer I'll be frantically searching for ways to entertain her.

A Brand New Day!

We made it to church today! Just in time for the Easter service. It was so good to be back with my church family. 8 weeks is a long time to be gone!

After church we came home and ate a quick Easter lunch. I would rather eat at home on Sundays because it's so less stressful and so nice to rest after a long week.

After lunch Benji headed to Gainesville to see his mom since it was her birthday.

He wanted to take the kids, of course I didn't mind! As soon as they left I hit the sack and slept for about 4 hours. I needed that rest more than anything after this week.

Emery got to spend time with her "Lydie girl" and to see her Grammy on her birthday and I got to sleep. Win win for everybody!

I'm hoping that today represents not only the "unofficial beginning" of spring but also the beginning of our new normal. It's been a crazy few weeks and I'm ready to get into a routine.

Jesse went back into his big boy crib last night. We had moved him into his room right before his hospital stay but moved him back into our room after.

He does, (or I do) so much better when he is in his own room. He only woke up once last night. Fed at 11, 3 and then at 630. A few more weeks and I think he'll be making it through the night.

Rollin With It

I have so so much on my mind.

I can not shut it off ever. But I also can get nothing done ever!

I've sat down to blog about 10 times recently and nothing happens...

Well everything happens, Emery, Jesse, Vance...Benji whatever, something distracts me away and blogging goes by the way side again.

To say I've hit a rough patch would be accurate. This post will likely be choppy and unorganized and slightly manic.

An accurate depiction of my life.

Jesse spiked yet another fever on Monday. This time we knew that it was probably his ear.

Did I mention that when he was in the hospital and they stuck his spine 4 times for a spinal tap that it ended up being an ear infection?

Yeah. Not cool with Mama.

Really though I've tried to convince myself that circumcision is worse than a spinal tap.

They checked his ears THREE times before they found the infection. Two separate doctors. His ped said that the fever can present itself before the actual infection shows up in the ear, explaining why they didn't see it in the pediatricians office, or when they admitted him.

So anyway, 2nd ear infection in two weeks. Probably the same one just never cleared.

I had it, Benji had it, Emery had it.

Who says ear infections aren't contagious!?

This past weekend I went home for the first time since Jesse was born. I am so lucky that I've got two kids that travel well in the car. Emery slept most of the way, once she woke up she just entertained herself looking out the window or looking at books.

Jesse slept the entire way. Thank you LORD for two good car babies!

I went home for Brenau's May Day and ZTA's 100 year on campus. I saw most of my good friends from college days and got to meet all of their kids, many of them for the first time.

Facebook helps keep us connected so well but it was awesome to see every one's kids in person. I was actually really down the next day because it made me miss everyone so much. Being back together felt like no time had passed whatsoever, we just all had children all of a sudden!

While at home I totally fell! TWICE!

My sister Kathi is the one who falls, NOT ME. I haven't fallen since I was like 4 and this weekend it happened twice. Not cool.

I busted my knee, then busted my ankle. This week I've been limping around attempting to take care of two kids alone.

Benji's DNow is the week. He took a group to a town about an hour away that is poverty stricken to help a ministry center. For four days they will be painting, doing construction, landscaping, building playgrounds, organizing the food pantry, library and clothes closet.

Great cause and great experience for his youth, but it's left me here with a busted up leg, a sick 8 week old and a 2 and 1/2 year old who is also on spring break this week from MMO.

We've managed so far. Park on Monday, Walmart on Tuesday and Library and lunch with friends on Weds. Thursday (today) my mom's coming up to entertain and feed babies while I nap and go to the grocery store alone.

Soon I will post pictures from this weekend. I really am so blessed with such great friends old and new.

Now I'm going to attempt to nap (I started this post at 530 am) before Emery wakes up! Jesse's finally back asleep. No time for proof reading or spell check! Roll with it okay, I am.

Two Steps Forward, Two Steps Back

What a, What a week!!

Most of you know via facebook Jesse spiked a fever on Tuesday and was admitted to the hospital (very quickly) on Wednesday.

We came home on Friday. Everything was okay, just a huge, big fat scare for Mama, Daddy and all who love Jesse. The plight of a second child I guess, he caught some virus with no other symptom but a fever....sigh.....

He had to have a spinal tap to rule out meningitis.

They had to stick his spine four times. :(

Yes, FOUR times they stuck my 6 week old in the spine with a big ol needle. It makes me sick to think about it still. They never could get enough spinal fluid to do a complete round of test. Thankfully his culture for meningitis came back clear.

All the other test and X- rays came back clear as well.

Now I'm just trying to decompress from all the emotion of the past few days.

We were just starting to get a routine. Emery was just starting to adjust to her role as a sibling...ANNNND I had to up and leave her again for three days with no apparent reason that she can fully grasp.

She threw a big fat tantrum yesterday and today, which she has never done until now.

I am so so so thankful that Jesse is okay. I can not explain the feeling of helplessness that I felt when I first realized that this may be something serious.

Thank God it wasn't.

I know why women are crazy. It's because as mothers we can never ever ever fully shut off our brains. Once that first child is born, that first breath they take makes a mothers heart jump out of their chest and into the soul of that child.

Life can change in a second, I was reminded of that this week.

One Month of Meals

So no secret here, I just had a baby!

My friends. MY AMAZING friends set up and brought me meals every other night for an entire month!

If you've had a baby you know how important, precious, loved, needed this is!

There is no way to find time to shop for food let alone cook it. I am forever grateful to these girls who took the time out of their busy lives, took time away from their own families to minister to mine.

If you brought us food you know who you are and I LOVE YOU! I probably loved you before, but ya know...ha! I love you even more now. :)

Anywhoo... One meal we were fed I've made since then. So yummy and so easy I want to share.

Crock Pot Cubed Steak

Two packages of cubed steak (about 6 pieces, this fed 4 but we are big eaters!)
Flour
Salt and pepper to taste
2 cans of cream of mushroom soup (or 1 can of the big size if you can find it)
veg oil for browning meat

salt and pepper steak, coat in flour and brown in medium heat skillet until just browned on both sides. (you don't cook it all the way through)

place cubed steak in crock pot, pour soup over top and cook on low for 4 to 5 hours.

yall for real it is so tender and so good! Serve with mashed potatoes and biscuits. HOLLER!

And I was reminded of this recipe from when we were brought meals in Kentucky when Emery was born.

Lady & Sons Chicken in Wine Sauce

4 large skinless boneless chicken breasts
4 tablespoons melted butter
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
6 ounces (about 8 slices) Swiss cheese
1 (10 3/4-ounce) can condensed cream of chicken soup
1/4 cup white wine
1 cup herb-flavored stuffing mix
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Add the chicken and season with salt and pepper, to taste. Layer the cheese slices on top. In a medium bowl, add the soup and the wine, season with salt and pepper and pour over the cheese. Add stuffing mix on top and drizzle with melted butter. Bake for 45 minutes. Remove from the oven and serve.

La Fiesta!

Our kids are started early on Mexican food!



Emery with her first chips at El Sombrero.



Jesse, with his first bowl of chips during his first trip to Papa's and Beer.

Operation: Get Myself Together

I am fruuuummpeeey.

I've got to get it together! Being stuck in the house for a month does nothing for your self confidence let me tell ya!

Not only does my body look like a deflated whale, I'm lucky if I get my teeth and hair brushed every day.

So I'm making a hair appointment to get a cut and some color to hopefully jump start my return to the real world!

For a stay at home mom it's easy to get stuck in the mind set that appearance doesn't matter, because you've got "nowhere to go or anyone to impress". I struggle with this BIG TIME especially after having a baby.

After waiting 9 months for the big day, it's kind of a let down once the baby comes and there isn't this huge life change to look forward to anymore.

I've found myself thinking, "what is there to look forward to now??"

Benji's going to The Masters in April, has his DNow coming up, his beloved turkey season, golf season... TWO beach trips AND Brazil in June, NOW THAT is something to look forward to!

I get to look forward to staying home by myself while he's gone! Yes!

Okay, Okay I know. No body wants to hear me complain. But this is my blog and this is where I am today.

I know it gets better, I know this is my choice and just a season in life. I know how fast it goes. I just have to remember to take it day by day, because if I look at the big picture it gets way overwhelming.