Summer is Near!!!!

 Summer is coming! and it is moving fast already. Jesse and Hadley have one week left of MMO. Emery follows close behind and will be officially a 1st grader! I can not believe how fast her first year of school went. She has grown so much and has become such a little person. I love spending one on one time with her, I feel like we are soul mates. I love her so.

Hadley is finally walking. At 14 months I didn't think she would ever start but she has. Today she walked around the entire house, just like Frankenstein, with her arms out stretched in front of her. I love it so much. She has been a blast. I'm not saying my days haven't been hairy,  LORD YES they have. But I am so glad we took the plunge and decided to add a 3rd into our mix.

All 3 of my kids constantly run their mouths. So no issue on the talking milestones. We've had a great start to spring with trips to Georgia to see family and tons of time spent here with friends.

 On a sadder note, our dear closest friends on staff at our church are moving (just 45 minutes away) so that David can be the senior pastor at a church near Clemson. I am so excited for them, its their hometown, he is an amazing talented, gifted pastor, can sing AND preach like nobody's biznas and is one of the funniest, craziest guys you will meet. The worst part about it is he is taking his wife, my friend, with him. When we first moved here and started at the church they were so kind and gracious to us. David took Benji under his wing and showed him the ropes around the church. Jocelyn took me under her wing and showed me all the great shopping stops! ha. No really she has been the most encouraging person in my life for the past six years. The role of Minister's wife is a role like no other. Pastor's work Dr's hours, are always, always on call no matter what. They have mountains of expectations and responsibilities thrown on them everyday. They are excepted to be everywhere at once, all while being an example of a Godly husband, father, friend, shepherd, teacher, disciplinarian, etc....it is sometimes OVERWHELMING.

All that to say we would have not made it these first 6 years without the love and support of this family. Benji and I are happy, settled in and more confident now after six years. We will be okay without them, and we know it is for the best and we also know it is apart of ministry. But I would be lying if I didn't say there is a tiny whole in my heart where my friends the Kay's used to reside. I wish them nothing but success, and I know that will come. God be glorified in His work through David and Jocelyn.

So that's about caught all my faithful readers up with our life. I'm still working on getting this stay at home mom thing down. The mundane gets to me and somedays are still bad days. But I am doing so much better mentally and physically. I'm about to start working with a Naturopath/Nutritionist to see if I can continue to heal myself from the inside out. I've been on a long journey and so has my poor family. BUT it is what it is. Everyone has their battles. Thing are looking up and I'm excited about the future. 

Gettin Real Up In HEERRRE

Benji's running 8 minute miles after 3 weeks of running. ever. He's given up Diet Mt. Dew and is "just eating less". lost 11 lbs.

So I've got to get with it. I gave myself until this 5k we ran a few weeks ago. Then I got serious about getting back to my pre baby routines/ health/weight. As of last Thursday I have lost 2 lbs...woopty do. But seriously I know that 2 lbs a week is a good slow way to do it. I'm watching portions and trying to cut back on carbs and processed foods. I also gave up buying diet coke!!!! BELIEVE IT!!!! I have one about once a week and that is it. I figured I've been chronically dehydrated since I had Hadley. I feel so much better eating well and drinking more water.

Soon I will be joining the YMCA again. and I can't wait. I LOVED the classes they offered and honestly it is a great get away/stress reliever for me to get away from the kids for an hour and do something for me.

I've also made a conscious decision to be more physical around the house. Cleaning regularly, vacuuming more often and mopping. I feel like that is cardio that is killing two birds with one stone!

I realize this is going to be a long journey. I'm not looking or wanting overnight results. I want to have a healthy life style, a healthy body and mind.

I am finally feeling like I'm coming out of the fog of new babyhood. Hadley is 8 months now and is the greatest blessing.

3 kids are hectic, aint gonna lie. Especially when Benji is so busy. I just miss him so much and the kids miss him.

We are so blessed though. I'm beginning to feel real joy again, which I haven't in a long time. I'm beginning to feel motivation and energy and determination to change my body physically and mentally. I am not wishing these baby days away, but I am excited about getting to the point where I have time to work on the health of myself.

Assessment= Judgment

Let's all be real here. Emery had her kindergarten "assessment" today. Which is really where they "judge" where they are in their math, coordination and whatever else skills. Which is fine, I totally understand they need a base line to start at with each kid.

Jesse has strep.

Benji has VBS in a town about an hour away this week.

To say that I have been a little off my rocker would be an understatement.

I'm going through the kindergarten parent depression, the end of summer depression and the my baby is eating solid foods and is almost 7 months depression. Plus my usual dose of crazy. This weeks been fun.

I swear if I can just make it past Wednesday, when Emery starts school, I will be okay. She is ready. I am ready, really I am. (that's basically why I had Hadley. So I could send Emery off to school. :).

As much as I love down time, vacation, Saturdays. I do run better on a structured environment. I need order in my life. I need schedule, Lunch time, nap time, bed time. etc.

I've started really, REALLY getting anxious about losing baby weight. My knees are hurting, my back, my yada yada yada...whatever can hurt it does. I feel like the old man in UP when he gets out of bed and has to crack everything to get going.

Once Emery is in school and Jesse is in MMO twice a week I will be hitting up the good ol' YMCA again.

I did SO good after we first moved here and Emery was a baby. I worked out regularly and lost about 40lbs before Jesse was born. Then I gained about 30 with him and about 15 with Hadley. Soooo I'm basically back at where I started AFTER I had Emery.

Imma be honest y'all. This year has taken a toll on me. I look in the mirror, I don't know who I am I hear myself talking, I don't know who I am.....Mid life crisis definitely in effect here.

Well, that's it for now I guess. I know that Jesse needs to get in the bed and the dishes that have been in the sink for 2 days are not doing themselves.

Obsessed.

HELOOOOOO KING GEORGE!!!! I am so obsessed with this couple. Seriously, she could not be more beautiful and perfect and well, he IS Prince William. I was so excited when baby boy was born. 

Also obsessed with The Hunger Games. I know, I'm like 3 years behind but I just started and don't think I will stop until I'm done with all 3. 

Obsessed with juicing! Suja juice (check out their website) is my juice of choice. I feel like it's really making a difference in my over all energy. I actually have two juicers somewhere, probably in my mom's storage unit....but ain't nobody got time to juice 7 carrots and lbs of kale when I have 3 kids. So for now I am buying mine at Whole Foods. 

Benji is back packing in West Virginia this week. Whatever. 

We decided, since we just got back from the beach, that now would be a good time to switch Jesse to a toddler bed. So far so good. 

 I want to paint our bedroom. It's blah to me.....  

We had an amazing, wonderful, way too short time at the beach and I soaked up every moment. I slept late, took naps, and played in the sand with my kids. Such a much needed retreat for our crazy, busy family. 

Emery turned 5 while we were at the beach. She starts kindergarten in about two weeks. I'm OBSESSED about this as well. I can not believe it. She was 2 weeks old when Benji started working at BCBC. Now she is FIVE!!!!!!! 

Jesse also starts MMO this year. my sweet baby boy will be in school at the church twice a week. He will have Miss. Kim and Miss Nancy. (Who Emery started pre K with). I swear. They are the BEST 2yr old teachers on the planet. I can't wait until he gets to spend time with both of them. 

Hadley has cut 2 teeth in the past week. I am OBSESSED with this baby! I love her so much and am so thankful every day that we decided to have a 3rd. I'll be honest, I was scared. And I still have days (like yesterday) that I wonder "what was I thinking?" but then I also have days that I truly wish we could have JUST ONE MORE. But I am convinced that the LORD has led us to stop at 3. We have not given up on the idea of adoption, but my body is finished producing off spring. 

I am also currently obsessed with reading again. I got to read a few books on vacation and like any OCD patient I am currently in the middle of like 5 books! ha. I did get to finish one entire book on vacation. I am now reading The Hunger Games which I am so hooked on.

I am obsessed with LOSING THIS DAG GUM BABY WEIGHT. Seriously I am sooo so sos so so over it. Once Emery starts school I will get things rolling with either a gym nearby or our YMCA. I need to lose at least 50lbs. Maybe even 80. I just want to feel good about myself again and it has been along 5 years having one baby after another and moving 3,4 however many times. I need a routine and I am hoping that this fall brings one. 

Well, Benji and I celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary this month. I seriously can not believe it has been that long. We have been through so much. I love him more today than the day we married, so that's good! We spent a blissful weekend in Buckhead at the W Buckhead Hotel. Ahmazing. Hotel. We had a blast. 

I am heading to sleepy time. all 3 kidddos are tucked into bed and Benji is somewhere sleeping on the dirt ground. Ha! I am climbing into our down comforter bed. NIGHTY NIGHTY!

I Hate Paris Anyway

NO REALLY, I don't. But Benji should be making his way now from Munich to Paris and then on to Serbia. 9 days and counting.

Emery cried tonight when I put her to bed because Benji always puts her to bed first, then I go in and say my prayers with them. They get a double dose of the Holy Spirit round here.

Anyway, I have two, three, request. Please pray for the safety of Benji and the group of graduated seniors/chaperons he has traveling with him. Pray for their travels and that they will see seeds planted among the people of Serbia.

Please pray that I make it through the next 9 days. YOU ALL KNOW I have a 4 year old, a 2 year old and a almost 5 month old. Today it basically poured rain all day. Which makes for a wild bunch running around like banshees.

I have tried to plan as much as possible for things that we can do "out of the house". I have also planned as much as possible for every meal for 10 days.

Today was a pretty good day. I had a babysitter come and help out for a few hours. Which really takes the edge off of the 4-8pm "Witching Hours" as I call them.

I really am glad for Benji to get to experience all the dreams I had of traveling......it's like he got my dream life. Whatever.

Love to you all, and PRAY for my sanity.

Summer

Tis summer y'all we are in survival mode. Benji is super bizzy. And we are going from zero to sixty every couple of days.

I will be here when I can. I have so, so much to say. I just have 5 thousand lbs of laundry that call to me instead of blogging.

I'm Normal, I Swear

Obviously that last post was serious. But I wanted to clear up some things. First off, I don't go around like thinking about "that" stuff all the time. I'm too busy too. Benji and I go on dates, like for Sushi!!!! YUMMMM! and we may talk about stuff then, since we are alone, but for me it is not a daily issue. It just rears it's ugly head every once in awhile. Unfortunately it's usually about 12 weeks after one of my babies is born. But I swear I have done the best ever with Hadley. 

We went to a wedding last weekend and it got me thinking about TWELVE years ago when Benji and I were going down that path. 

Evidently, Bridal portraits are a southern thing. (who knew?) This is my favorite picture from that day. 12 years ago. I was turning 23 that day, This field was BEAUTIFUL.

Anyway going to our cousins wedding got me thinking about things I may have done differently at my own wedding. I swear I want to renew our vows one day. On the beach, with our 3 kids with us. it's a dream of mine.

 Here is a picture we took at like one a.m. haha. we were staying at Benji's parents house and were "trying" to sleep in a king size bed with the two older kids...

It didn't work and Emery and I ended up in a separate bed. I would seriously frame this photo if Hadley was in it AND if my chin wasn't like triple.....ugh. But besides me, I think it is adorable.

 Hadley and I spend alot of time together, one the couch. I hold her more than any of the other babies. I KNOW this is my last chance. She is awesome. SUCH a good decision to have a 3rd. I really feel like she has saved me from myself and has made our family complete. I can now relax and start getting my life back together, mentally, physically and emotionally.

 Mother's Day was awesome. I was treated so well. I got to nap and NOT cook all day. Tulips and an Eiffel Charm for my Pandora bracelet were the perfect gifts....I do not deserve my family, but I will gladly take them and enjoy them for as long as the LORD allows.

 My ADORABLE cards that Emery, Jesse and Hadley made for me on Mother's Day at church. I will treasure them forever.

This Is Me

So I've really been wanting blog Hadley's birth story, but honestly it is so long that when I sit down to type it I get tired just thinking about it. I will one day I promise.

Today, today is all about me. :) most of you know from past entries that I struggled with PPD with my first two babies. Thankfully, by the time I was pregnant with Hadley I was seeing a woman who had my chemical imbalance under control. I made it through the pregnancy and post partum with little to no issues. Since this most likely our last baby I feel such a weight lifted off my shoulders. Mentally and physically. There are so many ups and downs during child bearing years and I am not ashamed to say that I am happy they are over.

(adoption is still an open window, just not in the next 5 years) anyway. I feel like now is the time that I can finally work on getting myself back together, physically, mentally, and emotionally. PPD was just the breaking point for me. I have dealt with OCD my ENTIRE life and am just now working through some of those issues with a therapist that I happen to LOVE. I seriously want to be her best friend. Ha!

Anyway. So with all that I have been thinking about lately and for the sake of my family, I wont share every detail of my "issues" but I will tell you that OCD people are usually the most moral, perfection driven, self aware, hyper sensitive beings. On the outside the are the ones excelling and seemingly have a picture perfect life. On the inside however, we are tormented with guilt, stupid superstitions, constant negative talk about our selves. NOTHING I ever do is good enough for ME. I hold myself to a standard that can not be met.

Intellectually I have known this for awhile, it is just nice to finally have someone (therapist) to talk me through my never ending thoughts. I'm serious. My brain never, ever, ever, stops. It is exhausting.

Oh and I forgot to mention that my OCD has been present since childhood. PPD just magnified it because of the crazy raging hormones, the out of control feeling of having a new baby, the sleepless nights, the loneliness, the never being able to get everything done, etc. Combined they make a nice tornado of tormenting guilt ridden thoughts of never being good enough. Plus throw in being a Pastor's wife, who is already held to a higher standard. =all this equals a girl who needs some good ol quality counseling.

I share all this not to embarrass family, or to beg for sympathy. I have a GREAT life. One of the BEST marriages ever, (seriously I believe that with all my heart) and such wonderful children. We also have an amazing church we serve at that is our DREAM come true. I also have friends who share alot of the same struggles.

I wanted to share this because I know, I KNOW that there are so many of you out there just like me who silently have struggled for 4,5, 6 years since your first baby was born. I just want to offer some hope that is DOES get better. and that there is medication, therapy and people just like you who will listen. I am doing this for my children, for my husband, for my ministry and for myself. I want to be the most healthy mom I can and this is cheaper and healthier than a dozen Krispy Kremes a day. :)

The Weekend Is Near

Life gets busier and busier doesn't it? I know my life is no different than anyone else's with multiple young children. Mom's who stay at home staring at the same walls day in and day out....panicking at the thought of even taking 3 to the grocery store alone. I mean where would the groceries go anyway??? Emery is definitely not old enough to walk around Walmart. Just the other day I was in there alone and a child was lost. Scary moment!

But I ain't gonna lie. We are T.I.R.E.D. Benji is working two jobs. Driving a special needs bus for Greenville co. Schools from 430-9am, then working his regular office hours, AND his never ending on call duties as mentor, discipler, counselor, hospital minister, mission trip leader, Sunday school teacher, best youth pastor ever, etc. WE LOVE OUR CHURCH AND HE LOVES HIS JOB, AND I LOVE HIS JOB. We just have a newborn and a 4 yr old and 2yr old and we are exhausted.

It is safe to say that we do not see much of each other. I am home most of the days still. The flu is STILL going around this area and I will not, NOT have another baby put in the hospital this young. (remember Jesse was in the hospital around this age)....But we have finally started back to Sunday mornings and I am so excited about that break and that time to worship with my church family.

I still am so thankful and so amazed at God's sovereign plan to bring us back to Brushy Creek. I have found the BEST friends I could ever imagine. I love what little I can do with the high school youth, (my kids just are my priority right now so i miss out on a ton. it really tears me inside because I want to be able to do both so bad)......

Any way. My 35th birthday is coming up in about a month and I am really having a hard time with this number! I do remember 30 being a difficult year for me as well, but I was Graduating seminary, about to have a baby...I had a lot of things to look forward to. I have been trying to focus on the positives about my 35 years of life. I have done most of everything I dreamed of doing. I've traveled, I've been educated, I've had THREEEEEEE kids! (i never thought i would have 3 in a million years). I have a strong, still funny and exciting marriage.

I just am feeling a sense of panic or unrest about the fact that realistically my life is half over. Another 35 years and I will be 70! I can still remember being about 12 or 13 and just wishing I was 18 so bad! haha. Then I can remember being 18, like it was yesterday. In a lot of ways I am still that same girl. Thankfully I am more secure and know that I deserve WAY more than I thought of myself at 18. But sometimes, driving alone, I feel that 18 year old bubbling up inside. That Kristi, she was so excited about the future, about GOD, about LIFE in general. I can honestly say that I have exceeded my own 18 year old expectations. I give all that glory to the GRACE OF GOD. Some days I want to stab my eyeballs out, (I'm just being honest here) but somedays I am so overcome with thankfulness and gladness that I feel my heart might burst. Our God is Faithful, friends. Don't give up. Don't grow weary.

YES we are exhausted! but we are exactly where we want and need to be. God's grace is sufficient.

What Day Is It?

I understand now what happened to all my friend's bloggos when they had more than 2 kids! Ha. We are LOVING Hadley, of course. I have just now started to get out of the house. Went back to church last week, got my hair done this weekend, Hadley spent her first weekend away, etc. There is not much to report because all I ever do is stay here. I change two in diapers, feed 3, 3 times a day (more for Hadley still) sometimes I forget about feeding myself. Oh and I have to feed Vance too. :) 

I went to my first GNO since baby#3 was born. Celebrating one of my best friends 40th birthday. 

I've been thinking about turning 35 alot lately. It is my next birthday and I seriously can not believe I am that old. 

When I look back on my life I am satisfied with all I have done so far, but I can not help but feel a sense of panic. Turning 35 is halfway to the grave. Realistically it is middle age. There are still so many thing I want to do and places I want to go. I want to go SSOOOO many more places. 

I feel like these days the only place I go is Walmart. Seriously. 

Anyway Hadley is a doll. Emery has been acting out a little. Drawing on walls, homemade slip in slide, using the word "freakin" you know normal 4 year old stuff. 

Jesse is Jesse. :) 

Today I cleaned like a mad woman and of course went to Walmart. That's about it. 

Days are flying by and I'm not sure if I like it or not. 

I'm Late, But I Can Not Stop

I know, I know, I know. The end of season 3 has not escaped my snooping ears. So I've heard what is coming....BUT I Just finished season 2 and I am so obsessed with this show. The best series since the first 2 seasons of Grey's Anatomy. And that is saying a lot coming from me. I am hoooooked. and I don't really have time to be hooked on any T.V show.

2 Things That Make Me Smile

I don't know about you all but I am so excited about silver and gold finger nail polish this year! I mean does it get anymore fun? 

Came across this quote from Anthony Bourdain, who happens to be one of my favorite celebrities (chef) ever. I love this quote. I love it because if I could tell any 22 year old some words of advice, this would be it! I love it also because I totally got the opportunity to travel, a lot, before the responsibility set in. Finish college people! Get married young and travel before you have kiddos! you will never ever regret it. I feel like I am so content in my season of life right now because I know I "did" the things I needed/wanted to before we started a family. Now I love getting to "stay home" and enjoy every second of my children's lives. I know not everyone gets the opportunities I do/did but if the opportunity is offered to you to get an education, travel, be spontaneous, DO ITTTTTTT!!!!! You will not regret it, swear. 

Restless, Nesting, Ready To GOOOO!

Y'all for real, I am so restless.

I want to like run a marathon, or go to Europe, or climb a mountain or do anything but dishes and laundry and dishes and laundry! ha!

It's got to be a combination of the gorgeous weather and the fact that I'm just waiting around on Hadley to make an appearance. I guess part of me knows that once she is here, the chapter of "child bearing" years will be over for us. I will mentally be able to start working more on getting my self back together, ummm losing weight #1. Finding an outlet/hobby #2.

Every day I have these grandiose ideas of cooking crazy things, wanting to start some project on the house, clean out the attic, whatever is ridiculous, I think about it and want to do it..

 
CRAZY Pregnant hormones!

So on a whim and a very impulsive night. I ordered these Veronica Slouch Frye Boots from Zappos, on a Friday night and they were on my porch Monday morning. I have to say I have never, ever spent this much on boots, but I am so glad I did. These are seriously some of the most beautiful hand crafted boots I have ever seen. I know I will wear them forever. No buyer's remorse here! Early Christmas present from Hadley to me. :)

 Am I the only one who thinks about Paris everyday? 

This may seem contradictory since I just posted about splurging on a pair of boots, but I swear it's not. I am so, so grateful for where God has me and my family right now. My cup is overflowing with blessings. My husband is the LOVE of my life, my best friend. My home is my favorite soft place to fall and my kids keep my heart beating. That TRULY is all I need. The boots just add to the fun of having to wear shoes. * 

My Boy. My True Love, Jesse. Makes my heart skip! 

Filet that I cooked the other night. If I had cooked 4 I would have eaten them all. For realz. 

My fake, fat, pregnant girl ring I got for 40 bucks to wear since my wedding bands don't fit! ha FUN! 

Social Network Trinity: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram

If you've known me for long you know I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. I love it because I get to keep in touch with dear friends from college and high school, see pictures of their kids and keep up with their lives. I hate it because I get lax/naive/stupid whatever with people that I add as friends who don't really know me. We have lived in so many places and traveled so much we have "friends" from all over the world that I love to keep in touch with. Of course that wouldn't be possible without Facebook, so I am grateful for parts of it.

Benji and I are in a unique situation that not all people find them selves in. I hate it but how I am perceived online, on the surface by people who don't really know my heart, my struggles, my weaknesses and fears, they can and do judge me and my family by things I may say.

With that Benji would love if I cut all ties with the "online" world but I just can not do it completely.

And his point is valid. I am a person who tends to over share info because I just need to "get it out". I hate stuffing feelings down, I don't believe it's healthy, but I realize Facebook is not the best avenue for that, it has become the most convenient way though.

So I am slowly transitioning myself away from Facebook and over to Twitter and Instagram. I'll still keep my Facebook and still be on it, but I am having to be very limited in who I am "friends" with on Facebook. I have to honor my husband and protect my family. Our line of work keeps us in the public eye so much that it sometimes makes me paranoid and so Facebook has become more of a stressor in my life than a fun way to connect.

I have cut my friends list from 1, 070ish down to 660ish.... I SWEAR non of it was personal or vindictive. I just have to keep the list including just my friends I interact with on a daily basis (here in Greenville), family, friends from high school, friends from college, dear best friends I don't live around anymore, and of course just friends that I have grown to love and enjoy interacting with on Facebook.

I hate that it has come to this but it is the only way to control a situation that I felt was rapidly getting out of control.

Feel free to find me on Twitter and on Instagram.

Shiny, Happy, Church Photo!

Aren't we adorbs??? Seriously I was so stressed out that night. No telling how many Xanax I "forgot" I already took.

I was SOOOO nervous that the kids would be horrible. But as you can see.

They were GREAT!

This is actually our first "family" photo not done by a friend who happens to be a photographer.

It's a little stuffy for my taste, A little to "JC Pennys" BUT I am glad we have it and I know I will be glad we have it years down the road.

When I look at it I just overflow with gladness in my heart for my family. With Thankfulness at how far the LORD has brought us and where he has planted us.

I'm honest (duh) this new chapter of my life as mommy and pastor's wife has been WAAAAYYYY more challenging than I expected.

Don't read that wrong. I signed up for it. I surrendered to ministry....on my own terms, before I met Benji. I knew I would be in ministry.

I also always knew I'd have kids. We want more kids, and more kids. Biological and Adopted.

I am one blessed woman. But it has been a hard 3 1/2 years for me. I feel like I'm just getting the hang of it. There is no rule book on how to be the wife of a youth pastor, help him minister, while simultaneously raising your own two, three, four, little "mission fields" that you have birthed.

I feel like sometimes I am caught in a constant battle between wanting to do everything I can with Benji in his ministry, to feeling guilty for sticking my kids down in day care for another "church event".....

I know my primary role in this season of my life is first and for most to raise my babies, my own "youth"...

But honestly, something that has caught me my surprise is how LONELY I am.

Really!????

I have a great group of girl friends/ a group that I have actually prayed to find for a long time. I know that I can (b/c I have haha) call anyone of the group up at any time and spill my guts about whatever.

But it just seems like so many days are so lonely in the house with the kids. I LOVE interacting with them, Emery talks like a 12 year old anyway. I just miss day to day adult interaction. I really did not expect that.

Any one else struggle with that same issue? Is it just SAHM's? or is is all moms?

OR IS IT JUST ME!!!!?????

Days Like These

 Today. I needed.

Benji's mom came up for two days while Benji's dad was at a children's camp not too far away from us. Emery and Jesse are worn out!!! Which is wonderful! I love when they can have full days and fall asleep easy at night.

Today at church was Senior Sunday. The seniors who were involved with our church get to walk in and be recognized during our services. They play a video of when they were babies and everyone cries and every year it makes me realize how short the time is I have with little babies.

I needed today. I needed to be reminded that the time is so fleeting. That the hours creep by but the years fly by.

I'll need to remember this when I'm holding down the fort while Benji is in Brazil.

I LOVE my family so so much. Every day I am so blessed to have a healthy marriage. A ministry with my husband that I can participate in.... thriving, healthy children, who WEAR ME OUT, but give me so much joy..... I give all the GLORY to GOD. I certainly deserve none of this.

This weekend, I needed and I am so thankful for our place in life at this moment.

If I Was Cool

I'd have a great blog for you all tonight. 

But I am exhausted from this past weekend. We were not home except to sleep. FOR REALZ. 

It rained today and I wanted to run and jump in puddles in my new boots. 

But. I didn't. I did laundry and dishes and changed diaper and diaper and diaper. 

fed four mouths 3 meals and tried to eat and pee for myself in between. 

Now it's 9pm and all I want to do is crawl in bed until next week...or tomorrow morning. 

To cheer myself up here's a few pictures from Pinterest that make me happy. 

7, By Jen Hatmaker

Okay so somehow I got sucked into this girl who's kinda like Francis Chan/David Platt, but for stay at home mommies....haha 

That's the best way I can describe her.

As mentioned before, Benji and I have tried and tried to cut/trim/delete/consolidate every little penny we spend each month. Because let's face it, he has a GREAT job but, let's be honest for a moment....being a stay at home mom is rare these days and we DO sacrifice a lot for me to be able to stay at home.

It isn't always my favorite choice, (momentarily speaking like when Emery is peeing in Jesse's room) but it is my choice. I could have worked if I wanted too, Benji was fine with whatever I wanted.

So instead of me working, we bought a smaller house, drove old cars, (until they fell apart) and then my man, my hunter, my hunk of all things 4 wheel drive and TRUCK...he sold his truck and he bought a KIA.

That my friends is called sacrifice for your family. We are still looking for ways to cut back for a few reasons.

1. We want/need to start saving for a "bigger" house, or at least a house with one more room. The price on our house had more to do with location than with the size of it....anyway.
 2. We want to be able for me to travel with Benji as much as possible as WELL as the kids, when he goes on his mission trips every summer. The church pays for him, obviously, but for me and the kiddos we have to pay......and it has always been a desire of mine that as soon as the kids were old enough for us to start taking them on the trips.
 3. SAVINGS, SAVINGS......
 4. Medical bills, medical bills, medical bills. Now I realize to some medical bills "don't really count" because there is just nothing you can do about it. I can't help that Jesse had to come out via C-section then pulled the meningitis stunt.....I also can't help BENJI LADD pulled the meningitis stunt just last month....geeeeeeezzzzzzz!!!!

Anyway me being first born, it makes it incredibly hard for me to know that we "owe" anyone anything. So we are working hard on the hospital bills so that we can have another baby and rack some bills up again!

 5. We also just want to be able to give when we feel led to give. If ya got a zero balance in your account ya can't be giving to the local charity of your choice.

Anyway, you get the point. I'm hoping that together, this year, Benji and I can re-prioritize our budget and cut the "Fat" where it is needed......This 7 book I have a feeling is going to rock my world. I'd encourage anyone to read it themselves. GO FOR IT!

When I'm Empty....

All the way my Savior leads me, 

What have I to ask beside? 

Can I doubt His tender mercy, Who through life has been my Guide? 

Heav’nly peace, divinest comfort, Here by faith in Him to dwell! 

For I know, whate’er befall me,

Jesus doeth all things well; 
For I know, whate’er befall me, 
Jesus doeth all things well.


All the way my Savior leads me, 
Cheers each winding path I tread, 
Gives me grace for every trial, 
Feeds me with the living Bread. 
Though my weary steps may falter 
And my soul athirst may be, 
Gushing from the Rock before me, Lo! A spring of joy I see; 
Gushing from the Rock before me, Lo! A spring of joy I see.


All the way my Savior leads me, Oh, the fullness of His love!
Perfect rest to me is promised In my Father’s house above. 
When my spirit, clothed immortal, Wings its flight to realms of day,
This my song through endless ages: 
Jesus led me all the way;
This my song through endless ages: 
Jesus led me all the way."

Where I Want To Be

I have no idea where this is. Maybe Italy somewhere? Wherever it is I want to be there.

I have been in a funk, a rut, a "i need somewhere to go" mood lately.

This photo looks like it would be a perfect place to cure me of whatever has been causing my spring fever.

Take me here.