Day 3

July, 4th is really one of my favorite holidays.

This year I barely noticed it. I has been POURING, like monsoon rain all week. Benji finally made it through, Munich, Paris and safely landed in Serbia. They will be there for the next week running around like crazy with our dear friends the Hepners.

 This is Caroline. She has been my saving grace during Benji's time away.  She comes over once or twice a week, while I'm here to let me run errands, nap. do laundry, etc. My therapist, (different post for a different time) suggested that I get her to come once a week over the summer. GREAT IDEA.

And,.... Honestly I can remember if I posted about our beach trip to Student Life camp this year. If I did I'm sorry. But I took Emery this time for the first year by herself. I knew going in that my intentions were to minister to my oldest daughter. We had a blast. We ended up being there the week of my 35 birthday. 

We haven't celebrated yet. In a few week we are headed to ATL to spend the weekend, alone, together!  I can not wait until Benji and the crew arrive safely home from Serbia. And we can spend a few weeks together before School starts. 

This Is Me

So I've really been wanting blog Hadley's birth story, but honestly it is so long that when I sit down to type it I get tired just thinking about it. I will one day I promise.

Today, today is all about me. :) most of you know from past entries that I struggled with PPD with my first two babies. Thankfully, by the time I was pregnant with Hadley I was seeing a woman who had my chemical imbalance under control. I made it through the pregnancy and post partum with little to no issues. Since this most likely our last baby I feel such a weight lifted off my shoulders. Mentally and physically. There are so many ups and downs during child bearing years and I am not ashamed to say that I am happy they are over.

(adoption is still an open window, just not in the next 5 years) anyway. I feel like now is the time that I can finally work on getting myself back together, physically, mentally, and emotionally. PPD was just the breaking point for me. I have dealt with OCD my ENTIRE life and am just now working through some of those issues with a therapist that I happen to LOVE. I seriously want to be her best friend. Ha!

Anyway. So with all that I have been thinking about lately and for the sake of my family, I wont share every detail of my "issues" but I will tell you that OCD people are usually the most moral, perfection driven, self aware, hyper sensitive beings. On the outside the are the ones excelling and seemingly have a picture perfect life. On the inside however, we are tormented with guilt, stupid superstitions, constant negative talk about our selves. NOTHING I ever do is good enough for ME. I hold myself to a standard that can not be met.

Intellectually I have known this for awhile, it is just nice to finally have someone (therapist) to talk me through my never ending thoughts. I'm serious. My brain never, ever, ever, stops. It is exhausting.

Oh and I forgot to mention that my OCD has been present since childhood. PPD just magnified it because of the crazy raging hormones, the out of control feeling of having a new baby, the sleepless nights, the loneliness, the never being able to get everything done, etc. Combined they make a nice tornado of tormenting guilt ridden thoughts of never being good enough. Plus throw in being a Pastor's wife, who is already held to a higher standard. =all this equals a girl who needs some good ol quality counseling.

I share all this not to embarrass family, or to beg for sympathy. I have a GREAT life. One of the BEST marriages ever, (seriously I believe that with all my heart) and such wonderful children. We also have an amazing church we serve at that is our DREAM come true. I also have friends who share alot of the same struggles.

I wanted to share this because I know, I KNOW that there are so many of you out there just like me who silently have struggled for 4,5, 6 years since your first baby was born. I just want to offer some hope that is DOES get better. and that there is medication, therapy and people just like you who will listen. I am doing this for my children, for my husband, for my ministry and for myself. I want to be the most healthy mom I can and this is cheaper and healthier than a dozen Krispy Kremes a day. :)

Saturday, The Best/Worst Day Ever

 One of Benji's former youth plays in the band for USC. His parents have season tickets and had 2 extra that they so graciously gave us for the UGA vs USC game! It happened to be one of the biggest college games of the season as both UGA and USC were undefeated. ESPN Game Day broadcasted live that morning from the USC campus.

Benji's birthday is today, Monday, so we sent the kids to Georgia and spent Saturday in Columbia, SC.

Obviously, we lost, BIG TIME. :( But we had a great time with some great people from our church. They for realz tailgate in style! We ate lunch at Groucho's Deli, went back to our friends massive motor coach (I'm not even really sure what you call those) but it was air conditioned, had a bathroom and a couch for me to nap on. We watched other football games on T.V. then our friends shuttled us all over to the stadium. Where we experienced the loudest, craziest, game ever.....and watched Georgia get their rear ends handed to them.

We drowned our sorrows in hot coffee and hash browns at the Waffle House (at about 2am) on the way home.  The next morning my body rebelled against our long day and reminded me that I am indeed 34 and 6 months pregnant.

We had a Blast, even though we lost! This week was a long one! Jesse got tubes put in at the beginning of the week. Tuesday we found out the sex of our baby. Sunday thru Wednesday Benji had staff retreat about an hour away so he drove back and forth for Jesse's surgery and my OB appointment. 

Crazy week! but I'm getting used to our life being ridiculously busy. 

Sky Top 2012

 I got friends in high places. No really. My sister and a few of my close friends are incredible photographers. So the only one of these I can take credit for is the apples. :)

Anyway,  few weeks before things settled back into routine a few of my girl friends and all our kiddos headed up the mountain to Sky Top Apple Orchard. This has quickly become one of my favorite traditions of late summer. It is more fun to go in the late fall when the pumpkins are out but then all the apples are gone and it is SUPER crowded. So we have been going earlier the past few years and it works out great. We still get to pick a few (like 4, haha) apples and then just buy a bag. Then we have the apple slushies & cider donuts.

This year Jesse was even big enough to pick a few apples and sweet boy carried his own basket the entire time! LOVE HIM.

I think all these pictures of them show how similar they look. I'm sure if they were both boys or both girls I would have to mark their names on every picture because they favor so much. I can not WAIT to see what this next one looks like.

Social Network Trinity: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram

If you've known me for long you know I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. I love it because I get to keep in touch with dear friends from college and high school, see pictures of their kids and keep up with their lives. I hate it because I get lax/naive/stupid whatever with people that I add as friends who don't really know me. We have lived in so many places and traveled so much we have "friends" from all over the world that I love to keep in touch with. Of course that wouldn't be possible without Facebook, so I am grateful for parts of it.

Benji and I are in a unique situation that not all people find them selves in. I hate it but how I am perceived online, on the surface by people who don't really know my heart, my struggles, my weaknesses and fears, they can and do judge me and my family by things I may say.

With that Benji would love if I cut all ties with the "online" world but I just can not do it completely.

And his point is valid. I am a person who tends to over share info because I just need to "get it out". I hate stuffing feelings down, I don't believe it's healthy, but I realize Facebook is not the best avenue for that, it has become the most convenient way though.

So I am slowly transitioning myself away from Facebook and over to Twitter and Instagram. I'll still keep my Facebook and still be on it, but I am having to be very limited in who I am "friends" with on Facebook. I have to honor my husband and protect my family. Our line of work keeps us in the public eye so much that it sometimes makes me paranoid and so Facebook has become more of a stressor in my life than a fun way to connect.

I have cut my friends list from 1, 070ish down to 660ish.... I SWEAR non of it was personal or vindictive. I just have to keep the list including just my friends I interact with on a daily basis (here in Greenville), family, friends from high school, friends from college, dear best friends I don't live around anymore, and of course just friends that I have grown to love and enjoy interacting with on Facebook.

I hate that it has come to this but it is the only way to control a situation that I felt was rapidly getting out of control.

Feel free to find me on Twitter and on Instagram.

Shiny, Happy, Church Photo!

Aren't we adorbs??? Seriously I was so stressed out that night. No telling how many Xanax I "forgot" I already took.

I was SOOOO nervous that the kids would be horrible. But as you can see.

They were GREAT!

This is actually our first "family" photo not done by a friend who happens to be a photographer.

It's a little stuffy for my taste, A little to "JC Pennys" BUT I am glad we have it and I know I will be glad we have it years down the road.

When I look at it I just overflow with gladness in my heart for my family. With Thankfulness at how far the LORD has brought us and where he has planted us.

I'm honest (duh) this new chapter of my life as mommy and pastor's wife has been WAAAAYYYY more challenging than I expected.

Don't read that wrong. I signed up for it. I surrendered to ministry....on my own terms, before I met Benji. I knew I would be in ministry.

I also always knew I'd have kids. We want more kids, and more kids. Biological and Adopted.

I am one blessed woman. But it has been a hard 3 1/2 years for me. I feel like I'm just getting the hang of it. There is no rule book on how to be the wife of a youth pastor, help him minister, while simultaneously raising your own two, three, four, little "mission fields" that you have birthed.

I feel like sometimes I am caught in a constant battle between wanting to do everything I can with Benji in his ministry, to feeling guilty for sticking my kids down in day care for another "church event".....

I know my primary role in this season of my life is first and for most to raise my babies, my own "youth"...

But honestly, something that has caught me my surprise is how LONELY I am.

Really!????

I have a great group of girl friends/ a group that I have actually prayed to find for a long time. I know that I can (b/c I have haha) call anyone of the group up at any time and spill my guts about whatever.

But it just seems like so many days are so lonely in the house with the kids. I LOVE interacting with them, Emery talks like a 12 year old anyway. I just miss day to day adult interaction. I really did not expect that.

Any one else struggle with that same issue? Is it just SAHM's? or is is all moms?

OR IS IT JUST ME!!!!?????

Mercy Triumphs: James

This week my church FINALLY started our Tuesday a.m. Bible study back. This time we are doing a study on James.

I swear, this 2 hours is my sanity. It is a time where I can fellowship with other mom's like me, SIT for an extended period of time, drink hot coffee- even 2 cups if I want....AND I get to learn from The Word.

I love the Bible study, but honestly I love the ladies in it more. I need this time more than anyone will know. (unless you are in my season of life, which a lot of you are!).

I can't wait to see what all we learn and experience through our study this session. I love the book of James so I am super excited!

Real Fast Like

I'm beat. Yesterday was the busiest day ever.

But FUNNN!

I hosted the annual GNO: Halloween party. It was a blast. I love my girls and every year our costumes are so hilarious! I started to panic though...say around Sunday that maybe I shouldn't have volunteered. It's the first big thing I've hosted since Jesse was born. (except for Emery's birthday, but that was kinda different).

It was a blast like it always is.

But I am ready for da weekend!

Apple Season!

This year we headed up to Sky Top Orchard a little earlier and the apples we got are great this year!

I thought since we went during the week, without Benji :o(, we would avoid the crowd.

WRONG!!

There were 3 school buses when we arrived. It was pure craziness! We met a friend up there who happens to be a great photographer. She took some great pictures of Emery and her little man Carson.





A few nights ago I made a super easy apple cobbler. I tasted one of the apples and it was so good! We'll probably end up eating most of them raw. Save calories!

Baby Grass

This has got to be my favorite new baby product, besides Sophie that I bought when Jesse was born.

I LOVE it! It looks so cute on my counter and it is functional. I don't have to worry about the bottles getting dirty again in the sink drying rack and I don't have to worry about the brush scrubber I use getting dirty.

I've got two close friends that just had babies, one has TWINS! and one has a baby girl. They may or may not be getting these two things...hint hint Jocie and Amanda! :)

First Day of K3!!!

Emery started her first day of K3 today! I'm not sure who was more excited me or her.

Right now Jesse is napping and I am actually blogging...BEFORE 12 am!!!

I just spent a long weekend with friends at the beach. Such a great time! We slept, ate, laid on the beach and talked and laughed a ton. The beach, good food and good friends are all a balm to my weary soul. Just what I needed after the last 2 weeks I've had.

Benji also got to attend the first game of the season for UGA. They didn't win, boo, but he had a great time and I'm so so glad he got to go.

Things are looking up finally in the Ladd home.

Jesse in his Georgia jersey.



The girls!




We did alot of this..


We ate alot like this!


We did alot of this as well.

Monday: A Week In Review

Right now I am literally sweating, sitting on my couch.

That is another story for another day.

Ya'll. For real. Last week was THE craziest, most hectic week we have had in a long time!

Not even all bad stuff, just insane timing of it all.

It started out with us having to replace the transmission in Benji's truck.

Not fun.

Then on Saturday one of my dearest friends adopted TWINS! It was such an exciting day!

Sunday, after church and lunch with Benji's Sunday School teachers, I ran around trying to get ready for my surgery on Tuesday. I wanted to make a meal for my friend before I went under the knife so I stocked up on groceries, cooked and cleaned my house a little.

That evening Benji kicked off a new program for high school and college kids. I went to that and stayed until I had to meet Benji's mom at our house because she was dropping off the kids.

I got Emery fed and ready for bed then finished cooking meals for the next few days.

Monday I visited my friend and her new babies. My mom came up with my 2 year old nephew to stay with Emery and Jesse during my surgery.


I had surgery to remove my gall bladder on Tuesday. We had to be at the surgery center bright and early at 7am!!

The gall bladder/surgery part went great. The intubation process part went not so great. Not sure if we will ever get the full story of what happened but some how my uvula was stretched and swollen to the length of my tongue and the size of my thumb.


Needless to say that has set me back. My throat is still very sore. It still is painful to swallow. Today was the first day I have been off of pain meds (only because I ran out).

As soon as I was discharged I had to see an ENT about my uvula. I FINALLY got home from my 7 am surgery after 4pm. (Still not sure WHY I was discharged...we have a lot of questions).

Emery had her second ballet class that afternoon and I didn't want her to miss. One of our friends ended up taking her since we were so delayed getting home from surgery.

I didn't get much rest that day or the next day. Partly due to my throat and partly due to Emery and Asher having such a great time!!! Once I found some ear plugs and had a shower I finally crashed for a good while on Wednesday afternoon.

Emery started Awana on Wednesday night. I have been wanting her to start Awana since she was born so I really didn't want her to miss her first night. Benji also had his Wednesday night program kick off for the fall that night. He went into work that day, got home from work around 9pm and Mom and Asher left.

Thursday, thankfully Benji was able to take off work and stay with the kids. I think I slept most of that day. He did have to show the car a few times that day and had a few errands to run. That evening I had a baby shower to attend for one of my friends who is having her 3rd baby. I wouldn't have missed it for anything so Benji dropped me off and I entertained them, I'm sure, with my drug induced state.

Friday, Benji ran some errands with the kids while I got the first real rest of the week. He had to get the car cleaned to show it to a few people. I started calling the Dr's again because I still wasn't able to swallow well and by then I was getting pretty hungry.

I had planned to go to lunch with a few friends to celebrate a birthday that day. Once again in my drug induced stupor I had Benji drop me off and I'm sure I was a sight.

While I was at lunch Benji SOLD THE CAR!! ha! It was and is such a blessing, but it was such crazy timing. I played phone tag with the Dr's all during lunch. I got dropped off at home by one of my friends... Benji showed up just as I was hanging up with the Dr.

Benji had to meet the guy buying the car at 2pm. I figured I was probably going to have to be at the Dr again that afternoon. AND....Benji had to have 200 hot dogs cooked by 530 that evening for the first tail gate/ football game of the high school season. MEERRCCY.



As Benji was signing the title to the car I was calling around town trying to find someone/ anyone to give him a ride home from the bank after selling the car.

NO ONE IN GREENVILLE COULD HELP HIM!!! Really!

I just couldn't bring myself to drive with both kids in the car while on narcotics. If I hadn't of had to drive with the kids in the car I may have done it....

Any way so I stayed with kids, Benji met the guy at the bank, sold the car, walked to our church and finally found someone to drive him home.


I didn't even have time to be sad about the car! haha.

During all that I had an emotionally charged conversation with the final call from the Dr's office of the day.

No Dr's appointment that day, they told me to just eat ice cream until Monday and if I still wasn't better call them back.

Whatevss....

Once Benji found a ride home he had to book it BACK to the church (in his truck this time, not on foot), so that he could get ready for his annual tail gate for the Riverside/Eastside football game.

Which included cooking 200 hot dogs.

He got the hot dogs cooked, got set up for the tail gate and everything went great. He had promised Emery she could come to the football game. Let me tell ya, she loves her some high school sports! He came and got her after the tail gate to enjoy the rest of the game.

I think they got home around 11 that night. Saturday we puttered around the house and RESTED from our crazy week.

Emery was worn slap out this weekend. Yesterday and today she fell asleep on the couch twice. As in twice in one day! That never ever happens.

Today I am finally feeling better. My throat is slowly healing. The pain in my throat has been definitely worse than both my C sections.

Thankfully and most importantly my nausea and stomach issues are gone! Which was the point of the surgery in the first place.

Well, if you are still with me here I consider you a dear friend! ha! I know that was a ton to read.

I have so many blog post floating around in my head. Maybe now I can start to get back on track with the fun post. Post about shoes and recipes and my crazy daughter. :)

Christmas Eve

I totally feel like tomorrow is Christmas. Benji comes home! Today we spent most of the day at Emery's friend's house. They met at MMO and became best of buddies.

May Day

I'm a few weeks late with this one but I wanted to share a few more pictures of May Day at Brenau.

Brenau was the FIRST college I went too. Ha! I graduated from North Greenville College in S.C. but I started out at Brenau Women's College in my hometown.

The couple years I spent at Brenau were by far the best years of my college life.

While at NGC I definitely learned more academically (only because I was married and wasn't so "social" haha), at Brenau I made life long friendships that could never be replaced.

I was a ZTA at Brenau and this year our chapter celebrated it's 100 years on Brenau's campus.

I went back for the annual May Day celebrations this year and it was so fun!

I got to see all my dearest friends, most of whom I've kept in touch with/ and talk with on a regular basis. BUT it was sooo good to see them in person!




Emery and my sister's son Asher sitting on the fountain. It's tradition that every girl who gets engaged gets thrown in this fountain. :)
All my friend's kids! sooo fun to see them all together! Asher was the lone boy and I think he was trying to escape. ha!


All the ZTA's that were initiated in the 90's or graduated in the 90's...I can not seriously believe it has been that long! I was initiated in 1996!!! crazy!!!

Finally, Tracy, Lucy, Emery and I. Tracy was my BEESSST friend in college. I love love love this girl! We had plans to stay together forever and live in a different state each year until we found men to marry! haha! Unfortunately for our plans, I found Benji and snatched him up fast and was married the year she graduated from Brenau. I had never met her little girl Lucy, (she is a year younger than Emery exactly)...so it was so good to meet her!

The Best Years

I can not even begin to express how happy this picture makes me.

I spent some of the best years of my life in this house. My sorority house. I know that most girls can't say that.... But I truly believe I would not be the woman, wife, mother, I am today with out my time at Brenau and the time I spent living in the ZTA house.

I love these girls with all my heart!

Rollin With It

I have so so much on my mind.

I can not shut it off ever. But I also can get nothing done ever!

I've sat down to blog about 10 times recently and nothing happens...

Well everything happens, Emery, Jesse, Vance...Benji whatever, something distracts me away and blogging goes by the way side again.

To say I've hit a rough patch would be accurate. This post will likely be choppy and unorganized and slightly manic.

An accurate depiction of my life.

Jesse spiked yet another fever on Monday. This time we knew that it was probably his ear.

Did I mention that when he was in the hospital and they stuck his spine 4 times for a spinal tap that it ended up being an ear infection?

Yeah. Not cool with Mama.

Really though I've tried to convince myself that circumcision is worse than a spinal tap.

They checked his ears THREE times before they found the infection. Two separate doctors. His ped said that the fever can present itself before the actual infection shows up in the ear, explaining why they didn't see it in the pediatricians office, or when they admitted him.

So anyway, 2nd ear infection in two weeks. Probably the same one just never cleared.

I had it, Benji had it, Emery had it.

Who says ear infections aren't contagious!?

This past weekend I went home for the first time since Jesse was born. I am so lucky that I've got two kids that travel well in the car. Emery slept most of the way, once she woke up she just entertained herself looking out the window or looking at books.

Jesse slept the entire way. Thank you LORD for two good car babies!

I went home for Brenau's May Day and ZTA's 100 year on campus. I saw most of my good friends from college days and got to meet all of their kids, many of them for the first time.

Facebook helps keep us connected so well but it was awesome to see every one's kids in person. I was actually really down the next day because it made me miss everyone so much. Being back together felt like no time had passed whatsoever, we just all had children all of a sudden!

While at home I totally fell! TWICE!

My sister Kathi is the one who falls, NOT ME. I haven't fallen since I was like 4 and this weekend it happened twice. Not cool.

I busted my knee, then busted my ankle. This week I've been limping around attempting to take care of two kids alone.

Benji's DNow is the week. He took a group to a town about an hour away that is poverty stricken to help a ministry center. For four days they will be painting, doing construction, landscaping, building playgrounds, organizing the food pantry, library and clothes closet.

Great cause and great experience for his youth, but it's left me here with a busted up leg, a sick 8 week old and a 2 and 1/2 year old who is also on spring break this week from MMO.

We've managed so far. Park on Monday, Walmart on Tuesday and Library and lunch with friends on Weds. Thursday (today) my mom's coming up to entertain and feed babies while I nap and go to the grocery store alone.

Soon I will post pictures from this weekend. I really am so blessed with such great friends old and new.

Now I'm going to attempt to nap (I started this post at 530 am) before Emery wakes up! Jesse's finally back asleep. No time for proof reading or spell check! Roll with it okay, I am.

He Did This!

Every time I can't sleep, or I have reflux because of this massive baby I think about THIS day...it was the start of it ALL!!!! Hahhaha.

No seriously, we just got a new printer that scans and prints and copies.

Benji spent literally SIX hours tonight trying to hook it up so I could put it to use.

I love him.

And I thought this picture was fitting to be the first one scanned in. I've always hated that we got married before their was such a thing as digital photos! I'm always so jealous of people with wedding photos on facebook.

We also are going on our first marriage retreat this weekend. I'm super excited about it since it will be our last chance to get away alone for awhile.

Trust me there will be plenty more photos scanned in. All you ZTA's better watch out. Your time is coming!

Jesse's First Shower

Had my first shower last night with my GNO friends.

As usual we had a blast, talked non stop, ate a ton of food and I got to be showered with gifts!

I had a really hard day yesterday, so coming together with friends who lend an ear without being judgemental was just what I needed to restore my soul.

I thank God for these girls and can't wait for them to meet Jesse.

Red Bowl Tacky Sweater Invasion

I saved my last Phenergan for Tuesday night and I'm sure glad I did!

My friends and I had our annual Christmas GNO. This year instead of a pajama party we headed out for sushi in our tackiest sweaters.....Well, THEY all had sweaters but me. I could not find one that, 1. would fit, 2. wasn't 15 bucks (even at thrift stores) and 3. I have a pregnancy induced fear of being too hot. I think it must come with the nausea.

Any way, so I was the party pooper this time and wore a t-shirt...BUT I put on my festive Santa hat.

There's no pictures of our time at dinner because we inhaled our food.

Red Bowl Asian Bistro is sooo good. It was PACKED on a Tuesday night. Not everyone in our group eats sushi so this place was great because they have a ton of menu items. I think my sushi was gone in five minutes. I totally would have ordered more but I was splitting my check with another girl and we were heading to one friends house to indulge in desserts and gift exchange next!

You should have seen the looks we got as 15 girls in THESE sweaters headed into the chic Asian bistro! Hilarious.



Waiting in anticipation as the gift exchange begins. There's me in the background in my party pooper T-shirt still dreaming of more sushi.



Amy had the BEST sweater! It was like Easter and Christmas all in one. Individual snow flakes covered the neck, the sleeves and the back. Amazing!