Shiny, Happy, Church Photo!

Aren't we adorbs??? Seriously I was so stressed out that night. No telling how many Xanax I "forgot" I already took.

I was SOOOO nervous that the kids would be horrible. But as you can see.

They were GREAT!

This is actually our first "family" photo not done by a friend who happens to be a photographer.

It's a little stuffy for my taste, A little to "JC Pennys" BUT I am glad we have it and I know I will be glad we have it years down the road.

When I look at it I just overflow with gladness in my heart for my family. With Thankfulness at how far the LORD has brought us and where he has planted us.

I'm honest (duh) this new chapter of my life as mommy and pastor's wife has been WAAAAYYYY more challenging than I expected.

Don't read that wrong. I signed up for it. I surrendered to ministry....on my own terms, before I met Benji. I knew I would be in ministry.

I also always knew I'd have kids. We want more kids, and more kids. Biological and Adopted.

I am one blessed woman. But it has been a hard 3 1/2 years for me. I feel like I'm just getting the hang of it. There is no rule book on how to be the wife of a youth pastor, help him minister, while simultaneously raising your own two, three, four, little "mission fields" that you have birthed.

I feel like sometimes I am caught in a constant battle between wanting to do everything I can with Benji in his ministry, to feeling guilty for sticking my kids down in day care for another "church event".....

I know my primary role in this season of my life is first and for most to raise my babies, my own "youth"...

But honestly, something that has caught me my surprise is how LONELY I am.

Really!????

I have a great group of girl friends/ a group that I have actually prayed to find for a long time. I know that I can (b/c I have haha) call anyone of the group up at any time and spill my guts about whatever.

But it just seems like so many days are so lonely in the house with the kids. I LOVE interacting with them, Emery talks like a 12 year old anyway. I just miss day to day adult interaction. I really did not expect that.

Any one else struggle with that same issue? Is it just SAHM's? or is is all moms?

OR IS IT JUST ME!!!!?????

Days Like These

 Today. I needed.

Benji's mom came up for two days while Benji's dad was at a children's camp not too far away from us. Emery and Jesse are worn out!!! Which is wonderful! I love when they can have full days and fall asleep easy at night.

Today at church was Senior Sunday. The seniors who were involved with our church get to walk in and be recognized during our services. They play a video of when they were babies and everyone cries and every year it makes me realize how short the time is I have with little babies.

I needed today. I needed to be reminded that the time is so fleeting. That the hours creep by but the years fly by.

I'll need to remember this when I'm holding down the fort while Benji is in Brazil.

I LOVE my family so so much. Every day I am so blessed to have a healthy marriage. A ministry with my husband that I can participate in.... thriving, healthy children, who WEAR ME OUT, but give me so much joy..... I give all the GLORY to GOD. I certainly deserve none of this.

This weekend, I needed and I am so thankful for our place in life at this moment.

God Bless America

MY MAN IS GOING TO BE HOME FOR 3 DAYS STRAIGHT!

What am I going to do??? Last weekend I saw him for like 4 hours.

This weekend I am soaking up the extra help and having lunch with a young woman who graduated out of our high school youth program last year and just finished up her first year at college.

I can't wait for a little break break from my marathon Stay at home mommying. I haven't left the house since Sunday.

This is his Law and Order  BDU (Biblical Defense Unit) promotion picture for church.   How serious! 

Food Budget Update

Welllll......we've been/ I've been doing pre-tty good.

Somedays are harder than others. The days that I want to "cook" something special, want to run to the grocery and buy ingredients. I don't. I use what I have, to cook something that is acceptable for us all.

I've cut the budget by 100 more bucks last month and this week I'm going to try and cut it back down 50 more dollars. That will put us at 450 bucks a month on food. Which means no Chick-fil-A, no pizza, no take out or date night whatever.

Once we get our budget under control we will try and add date night back in as a  separate category.

We have talked and talked about getting rid of cable which is a significant amount of our monthly budget.

But, honestly with me being at home all day every day with the kids AND Benji heading to Brazil, I just don't think cutting out Nick jr is best for my sanity right now.

I'll be honest. This has been harder/easier than I thought. The hard part is the staying at home and not "running to Chick-fil-a " just to kill time. It's not necessarily the FOOD that is disappointing me. It's the staying home more because I can't spend money when I leave so what's the point!???? haha

I really do enjoy the trying to pull together a nutritious meal out of random ingredients challenge.

I've lost weight. We are eating better and our budget is slowing seeing improvement.

If I Was Cool

I'd have a great blog for you all tonight. 

But I am exhausted from this past weekend. We were not home except to sleep. FOR REALZ. 

It rained today and I wanted to run and jump in puddles in my new boots. 

But. I didn't. I did laundry and dishes and changed diaper and diaper and diaper. 

fed four mouths 3 meals and tried to eat and pee for myself in between. 

Now it's 9pm and all I want to do is crawl in bed until next week...or tomorrow morning. 

To cheer myself up here's a few pictures from Pinterest that make me happy. 

Me and My Babays

Emery had her Pre k3 celebration on Thursday. This is our one picture of me and the kids. I'm never, EVER in the picture. I'm always the one taking it.

Any whooooo.....loooks like someone needs to start RUNNING!

I just see these as my "plump, fertile, years.".

LOVE MY BABIES. I wouldn't trade a bikini body for them or anything in the world. :)

About That Time.....

Only a few more weeks until Benji travels to Brazil without. me....sighhhhhhh...... :( :( :(

I would give anything to be able to go with him. Anything except my kids.

So I will stay. Here with them. and wait. Wait for my gift from afar.......a new pair of Havianas. And maybe a cute scarf for pair of earrings.

Mother's Day 2012.

Today was perfect.

I woke up late, Benji took both the kids with him to church early. Jesse is usually my alarm clock. :) Emery usually goes with Benji early because she likes to eat the donuts he gets for the youth and run around in the gym before her class.

I went to church, we came home. I requested Bojangles fried chicken for lunch. (yes, yes I did.) I have a neurotic aversion to going "out to eat" after Church. I hate it. the kids are tired, I am tired. It takes forever, so if we don't eat at home, ( which we usually do) we grab food from drive through and eat at home. But that is hardly ever. Especially since Benji put me on a food budget.

But since today was Mother's day I requested Bojangles. :) y'all for real, it is the for real deal. anyhow. Benji and I were too full from lunch to eat much dinner.

Emery had leftover spaghetti and Jesse had corn and a biscuit. He had a good lunch of chicken, green beans and mac and cheese.

After lunch Jesse, Emery and I took a nap. I think Benji watched golf for most of the time, but snoozed for a little....

Friday we headed to Gainesville to spend time with both of our moms. I think the kids were still exhausted from that trip because they were off the wall today! Both of them! GRUMPOS.

I took a nap and read most of the day but still managed to get stressed by Emery's crazy behavior!!!????

I am taking a few days/weeks/months off of Facebook. Haven't decided how long yet.

I am reading the book I talked about in the last post.

I have gotten back into reading. (praise LORD).....I have about 5 books I'm going through right now. (which is how I roll).

I have found so much "free time" now that Facebook isn't apart of my daily routine.

I'm going to get back on of course. But this has been really the first time I have taken more than 24 of a break from it.

Benji ordered me this pair of Hunter Wellington rain boots that I have been wanting forever for Mother's day.

It's been a good day and I am so so thankful for my family.

7, By Jen Hatmaker

Okay so somehow I got sucked into this girl who's kinda like Francis Chan/David Platt, but for stay at home mommies....haha 

That's the best way I can describe her.

As mentioned before, Benji and I have tried and tried to cut/trim/delete/consolidate every little penny we spend each month. Because let's face it, he has a GREAT job but, let's be honest for a moment....being a stay at home mom is rare these days and we DO sacrifice a lot for me to be able to stay at home.

It isn't always my favorite choice, (momentarily speaking like when Emery is peeing in Jesse's room) but it is my choice. I could have worked if I wanted too, Benji was fine with whatever I wanted.

So instead of me working, we bought a smaller house, drove old cars, (until they fell apart) and then my man, my hunter, my hunk of all things 4 wheel drive and TRUCK...he sold his truck and he bought a KIA.

That my friends is called sacrifice for your family. We are still looking for ways to cut back for a few reasons.

1. We want/need to start saving for a "bigger" house, or at least a house with one more room. The price on our house had more to do with location than with the size of it....anyway.
 2. We want to be able for me to travel with Benji as much as possible as WELL as the kids, when he goes on his mission trips every summer. The church pays for him, obviously, but for me and the kiddos we have to pay......and it has always been a desire of mine that as soon as the kids were old enough for us to start taking them on the trips.
 3. SAVINGS, SAVINGS......
 4. Medical bills, medical bills, medical bills. Now I realize to some medical bills "don't really count" because there is just nothing you can do about it. I can't help that Jesse had to come out via C-section then pulled the meningitis stunt.....I also can't help BENJI LADD pulled the meningitis stunt just last month....geeeeeeezzzzzzz!!!!

Anyway me being first born, it makes it incredibly hard for me to know that we "owe" anyone anything. So we are working hard on the hospital bills so that we can have another baby and rack some bills up again!

 5. We also just want to be able to give when we feel led to give. If ya got a zero balance in your account ya can't be giving to the local charity of your choice.

Anyway, you get the point. I'm hoping that together, this year, Benji and I can re-prioritize our budget and cut the "Fat" where it is needed......This 7 book I have a feeling is going to rock my world. I'd encourage anyone to read it themselves. GO FOR IT!

Emery Hart Ladd

If I needed ANYTHING in the world after the week I've had it is this.

Emery made it in Awana's tonight. She was "suppose" to hide it and give it to me Sunday but of course she is MY daughter and couldn't wait at all.

I mean seriously, SERIOUSLY.

I have felt all kinds of emotions this week. I've felt like a failure in just about every area of my life. As a daughter, sister, wife, mother, Christian, cook, housekeeper. Whatever, you name it I have felt defeated. I have felt like I will never ever get it together.

And the voices that I hear that tell me "yeah, maybe you won't", they don't help.

But my friends help me, my husband helps me, my JESUS helps me...

And tonight, tonight my Emery Hart Ladd helped me. She helped me realize, no I'm not perfect. No I'm not always in a positive mood. Yes I do fail from time to time.

But I am her mommy and she loves me no matter what, I love her no matter what NO MATTER WHAT. God has blessed me far more than I can imagine with my two children and there is nothing, nothing in the world that I want more than to add to that quiver of blessings.

"Children are a blessing from the LORD and a heritage for our faith." Even though that verse in found in Psalms in the Old Testament it STILL applies today.

I'm not going all Dugger's on anyone. I'm just saying that maybe, maybe for awhile Christian families have not paid attention to the opportunities that they have in planning large families.

God is in control of my future. I am sure of that.

We want more children. I am sure of that.

And I am thankful that Emery, my first born is so so special.

GOD is good and to him Benji and I give all the glory.

Does This Apply To Groceries?

Benji put me on a budget this month for our "food".....I won't disclose how much it is because that is not really relevant....I will tell you that it is 400 bucks less than what we were spending! WOAH!

Dlyan Thomas

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

The blog Sous Style I read just posted on this poet. Random I know but this has been my favorite poem for years. 

I even wrote a paper in my Philosophy Class in Seminary on Death and Dying while attaching a copy of this poem to the back. 

I remember my grade wasn't that good maybe a C+....my prof left comments that I was bitter (about my Dad's passing and some of the harsh words people said to me, like "it was for the best since he was so sick") yada yada yada..... anyway. 

I believe in Heaven and Christ and all those things a Southern Baptist girl would believe in but I also believe in fighting for your life until there is no fight left in you. Which is what my Dad did. I miss him every day, almost more now than when he first passed. 

This poem reminds me so much of him because to me he had so much left to do, so much more living, yet God, illness, took him too soon. 

I believe in the sovereignty of God, but I also know that Sin is ultimately why we die. Perfection is made complete in heaven and I have a peace about him being there and us meeting again. 

But still there are days when I wish he was here, hunting with Benji, holding my son, or just here to talk to me about IRA's, 4O1K's and cars...... 

I'm An Owl

I get like a second wind around 11pm and then it is almost impossible for me to fall asleep at a decent hour. i've always been this way.

But at 3pm in the afternoon all I can do is think about sleep!

I wanted to upload a few pictures just for entertainments sake but I'm not sure which ones to use because I'm not real sure what this post is about.

I got to hold the most precious little bitty baby, I say little but he was 6lbs so that's pretty normal. I just never had one that tiny. He was so ethereal, so calm, and sleeping and snuggly. Oh it made my uterus shake with anticipation of another baby.

BUT. I know we need to wait. Or maybe stop at two. Benji would have ten so it's entirely my decision which is good and bad. I go back and forth all the time.

This weekend Benji sent the kids to his parents so I could rest, while he worked hard at our churches Hispanic ministries annual event all day Saturday.

We had a great weekend. Friday we had dinner with old high school and college friends who live here now. We had a BLAST. There is just something about reconnecting with people who knew you "when" ya know....I mean Benji and Hugh (the other husband) have been friends since they were like 15. I met Hugh around 17 and his now wife, Hollie, I met in college. We reminisced and told our "how we ended up together" stories about our marriages and ate TONS of sushi.

Saturday Benji worked all day, so I tried to sleep in a little. I finished my very FIRST book since Jesse was born. 14 months! It was great and a great feeling to actually read something from beginning to end.

When the kids were finally back in our nest on Sunday night I had such a full feeling. A feeling sometimes I forget. I had it again today. I just adore my kids and husband so much. It is SO good and healthy for Benji and I to be able to spend a weekend together while our kids get to know and love their grandparents.

I have a post already started about how I cut our grocery bill in half this past month. Ill try and go ahead and get that one finished. I did it without coupons and with out shopping in dingy grocery stores that I don't like. :)

I'm hoping that I can cut it by $100 more next month, but we will see. I was spending a lot y'all and didn't realize it. In this budget we included all our eating out money as well, date night, chickfila runs, McDonald's lunch, etc....so the biggest change I made was making sure we ate lunch at home. Which is healthier and tons cheaper.

BUT more on that later. I know you all are dying to hear my secrets.....cutting it in half is a major accomplishment AND we used the cash only system alla' Dave Ramsey style. I was reluctant and pouty at first, but I did it!