I'm Normal, I Swear

Obviously that last post was serious. But I wanted to clear up some things. First off, I don't go around like thinking about "that" stuff all the time. I'm too busy too. Benji and I go on dates, like for Sushi!!!! YUMMMM! and we may talk about stuff then, since we are alone, but for me it is not a daily issue. It just rears it's ugly head every once in awhile. Unfortunately it's usually about 12 weeks after one of my babies is born. But I swear I have done the best ever with Hadley. 

We went to a wedding last weekend and it got me thinking about TWELVE years ago when Benji and I were going down that path. 

Evidently, Bridal portraits are a southern thing. (who knew?) This is my favorite picture from that day. 12 years ago. I was turning 23 that day, This field was BEAUTIFUL.

Anyway going to our cousins wedding got me thinking about things I may have done differently at my own wedding. I swear I want to renew our vows one day. On the beach, with our 3 kids with us. it's a dream of mine.

 Here is a picture we took at like one a.m. haha. we were staying at Benji's parents house and were "trying" to sleep in a king size bed with the two older kids...

It didn't work and Emery and I ended up in a separate bed. I would seriously frame this photo if Hadley was in it AND if my chin wasn't like triple.....ugh. But besides me, I think it is adorable.

 Hadley and I spend alot of time together, one the couch. I hold her more than any of the other babies. I KNOW this is my last chance. She is awesome. SUCH a good decision to have a 3rd. I really feel like she has saved me from myself and has made our family complete. I can now relax and start getting my life back together, mentally, physically and emotionally.

 Mother's Day was awesome. I was treated so well. I got to nap and NOT cook all day. Tulips and an Eiffel Charm for my Pandora bracelet were the perfect gifts....I do not deserve my family, but I will gladly take them and enjoy them for as long as the LORD allows.

 My ADORABLE cards that Emery, Jesse and Hadley made for me on Mother's Day at church. I will treasure them forever.

This Is Me

So I've really been wanting blog Hadley's birth story, but honestly it is so long that when I sit down to type it I get tired just thinking about it. I will one day I promise.

Today, today is all about me. :) most of you know from past entries that I struggled with PPD with my first two babies. Thankfully, by the time I was pregnant with Hadley I was seeing a woman who had my chemical imbalance under control. I made it through the pregnancy and post partum with little to no issues. Since this most likely our last baby I feel such a weight lifted off my shoulders. Mentally and physically. There are so many ups and downs during child bearing years and I am not ashamed to say that I am happy they are over.

(adoption is still an open window, just not in the next 5 years) anyway. I feel like now is the time that I can finally work on getting myself back together, physically, mentally, and emotionally. PPD was just the breaking point for me. I have dealt with OCD my ENTIRE life and am just now working through some of those issues with a therapist that I happen to LOVE. I seriously want to be her best friend. Ha!

Anyway. So with all that I have been thinking about lately and for the sake of my family, I wont share every detail of my "issues" but I will tell you that OCD people are usually the most moral, perfection driven, self aware, hyper sensitive beings. On the outside the are the ones excelling and seemingly have a picture perfect life. On the inside however, we are tormented with guilt, stupid superstitions, constant negative talk about our selves. NOTHING I ever do is good enough for ME. I hold myself to a standard that can not be met.

Intellectually I have known this for awhile, it is just nice to finally have someone (therapist) to talk me through my never ending thoughts. I'm serious. My brain never, ever, ever, stops. It is exhausting.

Oh and I forgot to mention that my OCD has been present since childhood. PPD just magnified it because of the crazy raging hormones, the out of control feeling of having a new baby, the sleepless nights, the loneliness, the never being able to get everything done, etc. Combined they make a nice tornado of tormenting guilt ridden thoughts of never being good enough. Plus throw in being a Pastor's wife, who is already held to a higher standard. =all this equals a girl who needs some good ol quality counseling.

I share all this not to embarrass family, or to beg for sympathy. I have a GREAT life. One of the BEST marriages ever, (seriously I believe that with all my heart) and such wonderful children. We also have an amazing church we serve at that is our DREAM come true. I also have friends who share alot of the same struggles.

I wanted to share this because I know, I KNOW that there are so many of you out there just like me who silently have struggled for 4,5, 6 years since your first baby was born. I just want to offer some hope that is DOES get better. and that there is medication, therapy and people just like you who will listen. I am doing this for my children, for my husband, for my ministry and for myself. I want to be the most healthy mom I can and this is cheaper and healthier than a dozen Krispy Kremes a day. :)

The Weekend Is Near

Life gets busier and busier doesn't it? I know my life is no different than anyone else's with multiple young children. Mom's who stay at home staring at the same walls day in and day out....panicking at the thought of even taking 3 to the grocery store alone. I mean where would the groceries go anyway??? Emery is definitely not old enough to walk around Walmart. Just the other day I was in there alone and a child was lost. Scary moment!

But I ain't gonna lie. We are T.I.R.E.D. Benji is working two jobs. Driving a special needs bus for Greenville co. Schools from 430-9am, then working his regular office hours, AND his never ending on call duties as mentor, discipler, counselor, hospital minister, mission trip leader, Sunday school teacher, best youth pastor ever, etc. WE LOVE OUR CHURCH AND HE LOVES HIS JOB, AND I LOVE HIS JOB. We just have a newborn and a 4 yr old and 2yr old and we are exhausted.

It is safe to say that we do not see much of each other. I am home most of the days still. The flu is STILL going around this area and I will not, NOT have another baby put in the hospital this young. (remember Jesse was in the hospital around this age)....But we have finally started back to Sunday mornings and I am so excited about that break and that time to worship with my church family.

I still am so thankful and so amazed at God's sovereign plan to bring us back to Brushy Creek. I have found the BEST friends I could ever imagine. I love what little I can do with the high school youth, (my kids just are my priority right now so i miss out on a ton. it really tears me inside because I want to be able to do both so bad)......

Any way. My 35th birthday is coming up in about a month and I am really having a hard time with this number! I do remember 30 being a difficult year for me as well, but I was Graduating seminary, about to have a baby...I had a lot of things to look forward to. I have been trying to focus on the positives about my 35 years of life. I have done most of everything I dreamed of doing. I've traveled, I've been educated, I've had THREEEEEEE kids! (i never thought i would have 3 in a million years). I have a strong, still funny and exciting marriage.

I just am feeling a sense of panic or unrest about the fact that realistically my life is half over. Another 35 years and I will be 70! I can still remember being about 12 or 13 and just wishing I was 18 so bad! haha. Then I can remember being 18, like it was yesterday. In a lot of ways I am still that same girl. Thankfully I am more secure and know that I deserve WAY more than I thought of myself at 18. But sometimes, driving alone, I feel that 18 year old bubbling up inside. That Kristi, she was so excited about the future, about GOD, about LIFE in general. I can honestly say that I have exceeded my own 18 year old expectations. I give all that glory to the GRACE OF GOD. Some days I want to stab my eyeballs out, (I'm just being honest here) but somedays I am so overcome with thankfulness and gladness that I feel my heart might burst. Our God is Faithful, friends. Don't give up. Don't grow weary.

YES we are exhausted! but we are exactly where we want and need to be. God's grace is sufficient.