Hello Spring!

    I was hoping I would continue posting here regular. But y'all 3 kids and Benji working 2 jobs aint no joke. we run a 100 miles an hour all week. Emery has homework every night. Church on Weds night and Sunday night (and a.m. obviously).... Jesse has preschool 2 days a week. You would think I would get more done with the littles off at school a few days, but I just spend all my time in the CAR!!!!! 

We are all so glad it is spring finally. This weather has been brutal! 30* one day 70* the next. Emery is so confused about what to wear to school. AND so am I! ha. 

Benji's schedule is slowly picking up and will swing into full spring break/summer mode in a few months. I always say summer is his busiest time, but actually he's just always busy! 

This has been a great past few months. Hadley turned ONE!!!! I've started clearing out, selling, donating, all my baby stuff. I have not been sad at all! I am so thrilled that I have 3 healthy children that are growing and thriving. Who would want their kids to always "fit in a baby swing???" that's how I have to look at it. :) 

We are Dave Ramseying it up in this hizzous. I aint gonna lie. It was hard the 1st month. Now I am actually enjoying the challenge (and benefits!) We are both ready to start getting serious about our future. We do have two weddings and 3 colleges to pay for! NOT to mention 3 kids that will need cars....oh mercy! 

I've been administering my own allergy shots for a few months now. Through my family Dr. of course. He has an allergy specialist that trains you to give your own. Each month I go back to get the next dose. Hopefully it will knock out my allergies for good in about a year, year and a half! It's really just like giving insulin to yourself i guess, except I do it every other day. 

I got this cool EPI pen I get to carry around in case I have a reaction. Ha. 

Now if ya know me, ya know I'm a little granola, a little hard core modern meds. Im a FIERCELY Pro- Vaccine, it's totally my soap box... (another post). Im also very pro mental health medication/ therapy. I am convinced now more than ever, after suffering from PPD for basically 5 years, that it is a hormonal, chemical imbalance. I believe that medicine and therapy are the BEST ways to combat this illness. I also do believe that it can go into "remission" with the right therapist and support system. 

I can't tell you how much I've learned about myself through therapy. The medication and counseling LITERALLY SAVED MY LIFE. I hate that I had to go through it, each time with each baby, but I am thankful that I can let other moms know they are not alone. It is SO REAL and SO HARD. Please don't be too proud to ask for help. A healthy Mother = a healthy child/family. 

Which also leads to my polar opposite side. ha. Im talking straight granola hippy here. I've started using Young Living Essential Oils. Short story of it is that Ive always been a huge proponent of aroma therapy. I have always been intrigued by the chemistry of perfumes,  and the psychological impact they have on our memory, our brain and our emotions. Now I'm not looking for oils to cure cancer, autism, heart disease, my depression or OCD. (not yet anyway) BUT I do believe that they can help me with my stress and tension. They are good for antibacterial uses. They SMELL amazing when you diffuse them. There are some that are great for stomach issues, headaches and allergy symptoms. That's what Im in it for as of now. No selling just buying and learning. If you are interested in Young Living Essential Oils let me know and I will steer you in the right direction. There is still a ton I don't understand/know. I do know that they help my headaches and congestion and make my house smell amazing. So. Those 3 things are worth it too me. :) 

Don't worry Im not praying to Buddha or stopping modern meds for "snake oil" I'm just interested in seeing how far God's natural products can take us in the name of health. 

So when I heard about all the great benefits of E.O's It made perfect sense to me. I have loved getting to know my Young Living Essential Oil Premium Starter kit. I've also found out about the benefits of Oil Pulling. (google it) anyway. I am slowly transforming my life into the life I am most authentic in. It's going to take me this entire year I am sure of it. But everyday I see myself making improvements and steps in the right direction. I'm finally excited about the future for the 1st time in awhile. It feels great! 

AND SERIOUSLY how beautiful are my girls? I am so blessed with such an amazing family. My cup runs over daily. Life is good and I am so, so happy to be exactly where I am. 

Hadley's Birth Story

So here it is 6 months later. I still havent finished mailing out her announcements, so dont feel bad if you didnt get one.

Hadley was due on the 19th. On February 5th I went to my regular OBGYN check up.

My blood pressure was as normal as could be, but the protein in my urine count was waaaay high.

Baby coming out today!

I knew with Emery the day she would be born, and I had that same feeling that day with Hadley.

Now let me say that my normal BP is like 90/40....which in many cases is low. But that is usually my normal, non pregnant number. So being pregnant it goes up. What I am getting at is just because mine was a normal level, for me it was high.

Honestly I have no idea what time is was. Probably around noon when I got home and told Benji that we were heading to the hospital asap. And that I most likely had pre-eclampsia. Which I was not expecting at all. I was waiting on confirmation from my Dr. that the labs indicated preeclampsia. I had time to take a shower, call some family and friends. Then off to the OR we went.

Now this was my 3rd C-section so I was not as nervous about that. Just that my body was apparently giving up and kicking Hadley out. I Was definitely not prepared for what was about to happen.

I had a GREAT experience with Jesse. the Anesthesiologist and his crew were amazing. I had my doctor of choice doing the section.

With Hadley I immediately felt uneasy about the spinal and the fact that my Dr. wasn't on call and I had to have one I had never even met.

With all 3 of my sections the Anesthesiologist have told me "you're going to feel like you cant breathe, but if you can talk, you can breathe."

Well, ya know what happened next. Everything was going great. Normal routine, Hadley was out, Benji got to see her. I got to see her.

Then I could not breathe. NO REALLY. COULDN'T TALK, COULD NOT BREATHE. NOTHING. I was gasping for air and trying to get the attention of anyone.

Next thing I knew I heard someone say "we have to put you under, Benji, please step out, " and that was it. I was put to sleep for 45 minutes and intubated because my spinal ended up turning into a total spinal. you can google it if you need. But basically once the baby was out I lost enough fluid and blood, weight, to throw off the balance of how much spinal I had and how much my body could handle.

I kept thinking "this must be how Michael Jackson felt" haha.

Once I woke up I still had not realized what happened. Everything was a blur and my memory is a little hazy. They moved me to a baby and mother room, I thought everything was fine.

Then the Dr. that did my section came in and told me that I had lost a lot of blood. ummm I was at a 4 BC. normal is like 12....sooooo needless to say they were going to have to give me a blood transfusion. Two bags of blood later I still felt horrible. My kidneys were not functioning because of the loss of fluid and blood so I wasn't allowed anti inflammatory pain meds, so my pain was through the roof.

I actually ate nothing the entire time I was in the hospital. The day they discharged me I was still nauseous and barely able to stand, not from the pain but from the loss of blood.

Basically this was the worst birth experience of all 3. Emery's was scary because she was sick, Jesse's was great and Hadley's was horrible because I almost died. THREE IS ENOUGH FOR THIS CROWD. I am perfectly content with the 3 babies my body has grown and carried. I am so thankful that they are healthy and that I am here to watch them grow.

My PPD was about the same this time. I still struggle with it daily. Actually this 6 month mark has been the most difficult, but I think that may have to do with Benji being gone so much this summer and Emery starting kindergarten.

I am hopeful that as soon as my hormone levels settle, I can start exercising regularly, that I will be able to look back on my season of PPD and find some way to help other mother's who have the same issue.

So if any of you out there have dealt with PPD. LET ME KNOW! Im an expert....haha. I have good days and bad days. The stereotypes and "stories" you hear are not necessarily how it all plays out. I am here for anyone dealing with feelings that they don't wish to have nor that they can control.

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT and you can not pray your way out of PPD. I am a Christian, a very firm one. I believe in the power of prayer in all things and I do believe it can help, but PPD is a hormonal problem. You need to talk with your OBGYN if you feel like you may be struggling with it. I will post more on my journey through PPD and OCD. combined= a hot mess! But I have Dr's who love me and want me to be the best mother I can, so I braved the judgment of others and got medical help. Which most definitely saved my life.

Assessment= Judgment

Let's all be real here. Emery had her kindergarten "assessment" today. Which is really where they "judge" where they are in their math, coordination and whatever else skills. Which is fine, I totally understand they need a base line to start at with each kid.

Jesse has strep.

Benji has VBS in a town about an hour away this week.

To say that I have been a little off my rocker would be an understatement.

I'm going through the kindergarten parent depression, the end of summer depression and the my baby is eating solid foods and is almost 7 months depression. Plus my usual dose of crazy. This weeks been fun.

I swear if I can just make it past Wednesday, when Emery starts school, I will be okay. She is ready. I am ready, really I am. (that's basically why I had Hadley. So I could send Emery off to school. :).

As much as I love down time, vacation, Saturdays. I do run better on a structured environment. I need order in my life. I need schedule, Lunch time, nap time, bed time. etc.

I've started really, REALLY getting anxious about losing baby weight. My knees are hurting, my back, my yada yada yada...whatever can hurt it does. I feel like the old man in UP when he gets out of bed and has to crack everything to get going.

Once Emery is in school and Jesse is in MMO twice a week I will be hitting up the good ol' YMCA again.

I did SO good after we first moved here and Emery was a baby. I worked out regularly and lost about 40lbs before Jesse was born. Then I gained about 30 with him and about 15 with Hadley. Soooo I'm basically back at where I started AFTER I had Emery.

Imma be honest y'all. This year has taken a toll on me. I look in the mirror, I don't know who I am I hear myself talking, I don't know who I am.....Mid life crisis definitely in effect here.

Well, that's it for now I guess. I know that Jesse needs to get in the bed and the dishes that have been in the sink for 2 days are not doing themselves.

Obsessed.

HELOOOOOO KING GEORGE!!!! I am so obsessed with this couple. Seriously, she could not be more beautiful and perfect and well, he IS Prince William. I was so excited when baby boy was born. 

Also obsessed with The Hunger Games. I know, I'm like 3 years behind but I just started and don't think I will stop until I'm done with all 3. 

Obsessed with juicing! Suja juice (check out their website) is my juice of choice. I feel like it's really making a difference in my over all energy. I actually have two juicers somewhere, probably in my mom's storage unit....but ain't nobody got time to juice 7 carrots and lbs of kale when I have 3 kids. So for now I am buying mine at Whole Foods. 

Benji is back packing in West Virginia this week. Whatever. 

We decided, since we just got back from the beach, that now would be a good time to switch Jesse to a toddler bed. So far so good. 

 I want to paint our bedroom. It's blah to me.....  

We had an amazing, wonderful, way too short time at the beach and I soaked up every moment. I slept late, took naps, and played in the sand with my kids. Such a much needed retreat for our crazy, busy family. 

Emery turned 5 while we were at the beach. She starts kindergarten in about two weeks. I'm OBSESSED about this as well. I can not believe it. She was 2 weeks old when Benji started working at BCBC. Now she is FIVE!!!!!!! 

Jesse also starts MMO this year. my sweet baby boy will be in school at the church twice a week. He will have Miss. Kim and Miss Nancy. (Who Emery started pre K with). I swear. They are the BEST 2yr old teachers on the planet. I can't wait until he gets to spend time with both of them. 

Hadley has cut 2 teeth in the past week. I am OBSESSED with this baby! I love her so much and am so thankful every day that we decided to have a 3rd. I'll be honest, I was scared. And I still have days (like yesterday) that I wonder "what was I thinking?" but then I also have days that I truly wish we could have JUST ONE MORE. But I am convinced that the LORD has led us to stop at 3. We have not given up on the idea of adoption, but my body is finished producing off spring. 

I am also currently obsessed with reading again. I got to read a few books on vacation and like any OCD patient I am currently in the middle of like 5 books! ha. I did get to finish one entire book on vacation. I am now reading The Hunger Games which I am so hooked on.

I am obsessed with LOSING THIS DAG GUM BABY WEIGHT. Seriously I am sooo so sos so so over it. Once Emery starts school I will get things rolling with either a gym nearby or our YMCA. I need to lose at least 50lbs. Maybe even 80. I just want to feel good about myself again and it has been along 5 years having one baby after another and moving 3,4 however many times. I need a routine and I am hoping that this fall brings one. 

Well, Benji and I celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary this month. I seriously can not believe it has been that long. We have been through so much. I love him more today than the day we married, so that's good! We spent a blissful weekend in Buckhead at the W Buckhead Hotel. Ahmazing. Hotel. We had a blast. 

I am heading to sleepy time. all 3 kidddos are tucked into bed and Benji is somewhere sleeping on the dirt ground. Ha! I am climbing into our down comforter bed. NIGHTY NIGHTY!

This Is Me

So I've really been wanting blog Hadley's birth story, but honestly it is so long that when I sit down to type it I get tired just thinking about it. I will one day I promise.

Today, today is all about me. :) most of you know from past entries that I struggled with PPD with my first two babies. Thankfully, by the time I was pregnant with Hadley I was seeing a woman who had my chemical imbalance under control. I made it through the pregnancy and post partum with little to no issues. Since this most likely our last baby I feel such a weight lifted off my shoulders. Mentally and physically. There are so many ups and downs during child bearing years and I am not ashamed to say that I am happy they are over.

(adoption is still an open window, just not in the next 5 years) anyway. I feel like now is the time that I can finally work on getting myself back together, physically, mentally, and emotionally. PPD was just the breaking point for me. I have dealt with OCD my ENTIRE life and am just now working through some of those issues with a therapist that I happen to LOVE. I seriously want to be her best friend. Ha!

Anyway. So with all that I have been thinking about lately and for the sake of my family, I wont share every detail of my "issues" but I will tell you that OCD people are usually the most moral, perfection driven, self aware, hyper sensitive beings. On the outside the are the ones excelling and seemingly have a picture perfect life. On the inside however, we are tormented with guilt, stupid superstitions, constant negative talk about our selves. NOTHING I ever do is good enough for ME. I hold myself to a standard that can not be met.

Intellectually I have known this for awhile, it is just nice to finally have someone (therapist) to talk me through my never ending thoughts. I'm serious. My brain never, ever, ever, stops. It is exhausting.

Oh and I forgot to mention that my OCD has been present since childhood. PPD just magnified it because of the crazy raging hormones, the out of control feeling of having a new baby, the sleepless nights, the loneliness, the never being able to get everything done, etc. Combined they make a nice tornado of tormenting guilt ridden thoughts of never being good enough. Plus throw in being a Pastor's wife, who is already held to a higher standard. =all this equals a girl who needs some good ol quality counseling.

I share all this not to embarrass family, or to beg for sympathy. I have a GREAT life. One of the BEST marriages ever, (seriously I believe that with all my heart) and such wonderful children. We also have an amazing church we serve at that is our DREAM come true. I also have friends who share alot of the same struggles.

I wanted to share this because I know, I KNOW that there are so many of you out there just like me who silently have struggled for 4,5, 6 years since your first baby was born. I just want to offer some hope that is DOES get better. and that there is medication, therapy and people just like you who will listen. I am doing this for my children, for my husband, for my ministry and for myself. I want to be the most healthy mom I can and this is cheaper and healthier than a dozen Krispy Kremes a day. :)

The Truth

The deal.

Sometimes I get tired. I get grumpy, i get hungry- which makes me grumpy.

I get overwhelmed. I get burned out....

But that never ever changes the way I feel about these two.

I would give my LIFE for them. I wake up for them. I love them like I have never loved before.

So. If I complain. Sorry, I believe in honesty and life is honestly not always rainbows and cupcakes. but my life IS in perspective. I believe in a Sovereign God, who is always GOOD, even if I feel like crap. My feeling and emotions and attitude may fluctuate. My JOY, my FAITH, HOPE and LOVE never waivers.

I may be more human than others, or I may just express my temporary feelings more. Maybe it is because I am confident in The One who is eternal and never changing.

That's the deal.

Spring Chaos

Spring brings chaos in my mind.

Spring break means no Pre K for Emery,which means she needs entertaining 12 hours a day. While also have to simultaneously entertain her brother for 12 hours. ANDDDD I''m expected to do this Spring Clean thing.

Two weeks ago we started on the laundry room and it looks amazing. I've actually enjoyed being in there. Benji finished painted it this week. Now all I have to do is find a light I want to hang and we will be done with that makeover!

I decided on a whim today to clear everything out of my closet. Last week I had already gone through the shoes so there was a big ol black trash bag full of shoes gone from the closet when I started today.

Okayyy. Here are a few reasons that really have kept me from doing this along time ago.

One. I felt like i had done it so much already! we moved from Louisville to Greenville and I got rid of a ton of stuff then. Once we bought a house in Greenville I got rid of a ton more stuff that we had in storage while we were in an apartment. I had a great yard sale.

Then a few times each year I take a load to good will.  I feel like I am constantly throwing crap out. I don't keep papers, even some I should keep.

Number Two reason that's kept me from tackling the closet is that in my mind I keep telling myself I'm going to get back down in weight and will be able to wear, you know, THOSE SIZES..... my favorite pair of jeans PRE BABY was a size SIX people from Abercrombie. I aint never ever ever gonna fit in those suckas ever again.


unless, UNLESS I get my "total mommy makeover surgery" where they tuck and cut and suck and perk up all the areas that have been ruined, malled, stretched and deflated by my lovely children.

I also finally got rid of the teeny tiny size 6 bikini from J. Crew that I bought for our honeymoon. 11 years ago. I let it go.

It really is an emotional process. Mainly because it teaches me that I have ALWAYS had an issue with my weight. (in my head of course). I remember feeling self conscious and fat on my honeymoon in that bathing suit. Obviously I was smokin! I'm 5'7', when I got married I was 125. When I graduated high school I was 115. Every year since I can remember, I think it started in 4th or 5th grade, I started thinking about being fat and thinking that was the reason for ____, _____, _____, and _____. whatever. It was my constant stresser.

I look back on my life and in some ways now, I love my body more than ever. To have grown, developed  two healthy, big babies in my womb has made me realize what exactly my body was made for. Emery and Jesse are my two proudest accomplishments.

I will be honest again, because that's how I roll.....I have not tried AT ALLL to lose weight and get back into exercising after having Jesse. So I have no excuse and I'm not going to complain.  I've honestly been just barely keeping my head above water the first year of life with another child. My Post partum depression is MUCH better now. Not even something I think about daily, I'm feeling great and feel like I finally have a grip on how to get stuff done!

I know how weight loss works. I lost 40lbs in seminary after i realized sitting in lecture halls for 4 years had put a few pounds on my rear. I lost around 40-50 lbs after Emery was born. Both times I worked very hard at it. I did Weight Watchers religiously the first time and the second time I did W.W. some but mostly worked out consistently.

So I know now what I have to do. I am getting rid of all the clothes that don't fit me NOW. AT THIS MOMENT. If I get back down to a six, I swear I'm going on the biggest shopping spree ever.

and P.S. I will never hate my body like I hated it when I was in my teens and twenties. It's a shame because it's exactly what I long for now and I didn't appreciate it when I had it.

Depression After Childbirth: NO SECRET!

I've written about it before. I tell most friends if it comes up. All my close friends and family know. I had Post Partum Depression with both babies. It was a TON better with Jesse, mainly because I knew what to expect and second I knew the steps to take to get over it.

Anyway. This blog, A Cup Of Joe, that I LOVE. Just posted on her struggle with it after weaning.

I'll be honest I never expected it from such a seemingly fabulous, chic girl.

Just shows all of us women that it effects anyone it chooses. It's not our fault and help is out there.

Take a minute to read her blog. It's awesome.

My Own Fault

I tend to "over share" and I need to stop.

Because what ends up happening is people think they know the whole story when really they only know the part I shared.

I'm realizing that at my point/place in life right now It is better for me and for my family if I stop being such an open book.

Why you ask? well I don't regret blogging about my struggles with PPD, so many girls have dealt with it and now they don't feel alone...

BUT I've heard some harsh words from some well intending people over this issue.

Like, if you can't handle the 2 you have don't have a 3rd....

If you have not dealt with it then you do not understand.

And trust me if you have to ask yourself...."hhmmm, I wonder if I had that?" Then you didn't. You know when it hits you because it's like a ton of bricks.

It's not about the kids/babies. It is not about some underlying issue that I haven't dealt with. It is a physical issue that some women deal with after a baby. Just like some girl's stomachs bounce back faster, some mom's hormones bounce back faster and some go bizerk. Mine tend to go bizerk.... It is MORE THAN JUST THE BLUES.

It has nothing to do with my ability to mother one, two, three or four children.

I dealt with it after Emery, I am still dealing with it after Jesse and if I choose to have another baby or 4 more babies I will deal with it then as well.

I'm not really sure what I'm going to do with the blog. I love to have it as a journal outlet, to record my children and life. It does make me vulnerable though and I'm not sure if it will hurt me in the long run.

By Definition

I'm not defined by my weaknesses, just as I'm not defined by my strengths.

I am thankfully, gracefully a child of God.

That is how I'm defined.

"My heart and my flesh fail. But the Lord is my strength and my portion forever."

Thank goodness!

My PPD has, with both babies, manifested itself through social anxiety. Which is ironic since I am normally such a social and extroverted person.

Some may misconceive PPD as not loving your kids, or not wanting the babies. That is just not true. We've all seen the severe cases of Post partum Psychosis played out on national news, but that is an entirely different illness.

My issues are with all the other people out there! haha! If I could stay locked up in my house with just Benji, Emery and Jesse I'd be great.

But our life doesn't run like that. I've got to go places and interact with people.

So, there's a little more clarification.

I'm not jumping off any bridges. Okay. Just wishing some others would! (Joke people)

I've received so many messages, emails from other girls that have gone through the same thing. I KNEW there were more like me out there.

It is such a shame that women can't talk about their weaknesses. Why do we all have to run around acting like we have it all together, when NONE OF US DO!???

Now with all that said, I hope to move on from all this deep talk.

My biggest concern right now is how will Emery ever potty in public because her hiney is so small she will fall right through without her little Dora potty seat.

Am I just suppose to carry that around every where we go?

The Rest Of The Story

In case it isn't' obvious to most of you...which I would imagine it is.

I am one of the lucky mothers who gets to suffer through post partum depression.

I was hoping this time with Jesse would be easier.

It has been different.

But not easier.

I should have known that given my history with anxiety and bouts of depression that I would be a likely candidate for PPD.

But when Emery was born it took me totally by surprise. Hit me out of nowhere. Like a truck.

One of the MAIN reasons I quit breast feeding her, and THE MAIN reason I didn't try with Jesse.

I'm dealing with it, I've had many, many conversations with my Dr. about it.

I love her, by the way. She has made me feel not crazy, reassured me that this is out of my control and that I will get better.

I did get better after Emery was born. The one year mark was like a magic milestone for me.

I hope that this helps people realize why I've been so out of sorts, so random, so paranoid.

I would give ANYTHING to not have to deal with this. But it is my thorn. So I'm embracing it and hopefully some of you out there will feel not as alone.

I know that some will have no clue what PPD feels like.

But some of you, you know how I feel. You know the devastation that comes with PPD.

I love my kids, my husband more than life itself and to feel nothing but darkness after a baby is born is heart breaking.

You never, ever know who is dealing with what. So please do not look at people that you think have it all together and "assume" things.

Every one is fighting some kind of battle. So be kind.

The Cheese Sample

Scene 1: Setting: Costco
Fat Girl: played by Kristi
Cheese Lady: played by Cheese Lady

Fat Girl walks into Costco alone and innocently approaches the sample counter.

Cheese Lady: "Hey, go ahead and take some....it's good for you....."

Fat Girl: Takes a sample of aged cheddar. "Thanks."

Cheese Lady: ".....It will make that baby come out faster......."

Fat Girl: "Ha ha..... I'm not pregnant."

Post Partum Blues

My hair has finally started falling out. This is unfortunately one of the side effects of pregnancy. They don't tell you when you ARE pregnant that all that luscious, thick, shiny hair falls out after the baby.....

So while you are sleep deprived, scarred with stretch marks (in places you didn't even know could get stretch marks), fifty pounds over weight, still wearing maternity cloths (five months later).....your hair will start to fall out in clumps.

Oh the joys of motherhood.