Gettin Real Up In HEERRRE

Benji's running 8 minute miles after 3 weeks of running. ever. He's given up Diet Mt. Dew and is "just eating less". lost 11 lbs.

So I've got to get with it. I gave myself until this 5k we ran a few weeks ago. Then I got serious about getting back to my pre baby routines/ health/weight. As of last Thursday I have lost 2 lbs...woopty do. But seriously I know that 2 lbs a week is a good slow way to do it. I'm watching portions and trying to cut back on carbs and processed foods. I also gave up buying diet coke!!!! BELIEVE IT!!!! I have one about once a week and that is it. I figured I've been chronically dehydrated since I had Hadley. I feel so much better eating well and drinking more water.

Soon I will be joining the YMCA again. and I can't wait. I LOVED the classes they offered and honestly it is a great get away/stress reliever for me to get away from the kids for an hour and do something for me.

I've also made a conscious decision to be more physical around the house. Cleaning regularly, vacuuming more often and mopping. I feel like that is cardio that is killing two birds with one stone!

I realize this is going to be a long journey. I'm not looking or wanting overnight results. I want to have a healthy life style, a healthy body and mind.

I am finally feeling like I'm coming out of the fog of new babyhood. Hadley is 8 months now and is the greatest blessing.

3 kids are hectic, aint gonna lie. Especially when Benji is so busy. I just miss him so much and the kids miss him.

We are so blessed though. I'm beginning to feel real joy again, which I haven't in a long time. I'm beginning to feel motivation and energy and determination to change my body physically and mentally. I am not wishing these baby days away, but I am excited about getting to the point where I have time to work on the health of myself.

Hadley's Birth Story

So here it is 6 months later. I still havent finished mailing out her announcements, so dont feel bad if you didnt get one.

Hadley was due on the 19th. On February 5th I went to my regular OBGYN check up.

My blood pressure was as normal as could be, but the protein in my urine count was waaaay high.

Baby coming out today!

I knew with Emery the day she would be born, and I had that same feeling that day with Hadley.

Now let me say that my normal BP is like 90/40....which in many cases is low. But that is usually my normal, non pregnant number. So being pregnant it goes up. What I am getting at is just because mine was a normal level, for me it was high.

Honestly I have no idea what time is was. Probably around noon when I got home and told Benji that we were heading to the hospital asap. And that I most likely had pre-eclampsia. Which I was not expecting at all. I was waiting on confirmation from my Dr. that the labs indicated preeclampsia. I had time to take a shower, call some family and friends. Then off to the OR we went.

Now this was my 3rd C-section so I was not as nervous about that. Just that my body was apparently giving up and kicking Hadley out. I Was definitely not prepared for what was about to happen.

I had a GREAT experience with Jesse. the Anesthesiologist and his crew were amazing. I had my doctor of choice doing the section.

With Hadley I immediately felt uneasy about the spinal and the fact that my Dr. wasn't on call and I had to have one I had never even met.

With all 3 of my sections the Anesthesiologist have told me "you're going to feel like you cant breathe, but if you can talk, you can breathe."

Well, ya know what happened next. Everything was going great. Normal routine, Hadley was out, Benji got to see her. I got to see her.

Then I could not breathe. NO REALLY. COULDN'T TALK, COULD NOT BREATHE. NOTHING. I was gasping for air and trying to get the attention of anyone.

Next thing I knew I heard someone say "we have to put you under, Benji, please step out, " and that was it. I was put to sleep for 45 minutes and intubated because my spinal ended up turning into a total spinal. you can google it if you need. But basically once the baby was out I lost enough fluid and blood, weight, to throw off the balance of how much spinal I had and how much my body could handle.

I kept thinking "this must be how Michael Jackson felt" haha.

Once I woke up I still had not realized what happened. Everything was a blur and my memory is a little hazy. They moved me to a baby and mother room, I thought everything was fine.

Then the Dr. that did my section came in and told me that I had lost a lot of blood. ummm I was at a 4 BC. normal is like 12....sooooo needless to say they were going to have to give me a blood transfusion. Two bags of blood later I still felt horrible. My kidneys were not functioning because of the loss of fluid and blood so I wasn't allowed anti inflammatory pain meds, so my pain was through the roof.

I actually ate nothing the entire time I was in the hospital. The day they discharged me I was still nauseous and barely able to stand, not from the pain but from the loss of blood.

Basically this was the worst birth experience of all 3. Emery's was scary because she was sick, Jesse's was great and Hadley's was horrible because I almost died. THREE IS ENOUGH FOR THIS CROWD. I am perfectly content with the 3 babies my body has grown and carried. I am so thankful that they are healthy and that I am here to watch them grow.

My PPD was about the same this time. I still struggle with it daily. Actually this 6 month mark has been the most difficult, but I think that may have to do with Benji being gone so much this summer and Emery starting kindergarten.

I am hopeful that as soon as my hormone levels settle, I can start exercising regularly, that I will be able to look back on my season of PPD and find some way to help other mother's who have the same issue.

So if any of you out there have dealt with PPD. LET ME KNOW! Im an expert....haha. I have good days and bad days. The stereotypes and "stories" you hear are not necessarily how it all plays out. I am here for anyone dealing with feelings that they don't wish to have nor that they can control.

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT and you can not pray your way out of PPD. I am a Christian, a very firm one. I believe in the power of prayer in all things and I do believe it can help, but PPD is a hormonal problem. You need to talk with your OBGYN if you feel like you may be struggling with it. I will post more on my journey through PPD and OCD. combined= a hot mess! But I have Dr's who love me and want me to be the best mother I can, so I braved the judgment of others and got medical help. Which most definitely saved my life.

This Is Me

So I've really been wanting blog Hadley's birth story, but honestly it is so long that when I sit down to type it I get tired just thinking about it. I will one day I promise.

Today, today is all about me. :) most of you know from past entries that I struggled with PPD with my first two babies. Thankfully, by the time I was pregnant with Hadley I was seeing a woman who had my chemical imbalance under control. I made it through the pregnancy and post partum with little to no issues. Since this most likely our last baby I feel such a weight lifted off my shoulders. Mentally and physically. There are so many ups and downs during child bearing years and I am not ashamed to say that I am happy they are over.

(adoption is still an open window, just not in the next 5 years) anyway. I feel like now is the time that I can finally work on getting myself back together, physically, mentally, and emotionally. PPD was just the breaking point for me. I have dealt with OCD my ENTIRE life and am just now working through some of those issues with a therapist that I happen to LOVE. I seriously want to be her best friend. Ha!

Anyway. So with all that I have been thinking about lately and for the sake of my family, I wont share every detail of my "issues" but I will tell you that OCD people are usually the most moral, perfection driven, self aware, hyper sensitive beings. On the outside the are the ones excelling and seemingly have a picture perfect life. On the inside however, we are tormented with guilt, stupid superstitions, constant negative talk about our selves. NOTHING I ever do is good enough for ME. I hold myself to a standard that can not be met.

Intellectually I have known this for awhile, it is just nice to finally have someone (therapist) to talk me through my never ending thoughts. I'm serious. My brain never, ever, ever, stops. It is exhausting.

Oh and I forgot to mention that my OCD has been present since childhood. PPD just magnified it because of the crazy raging hormones, the out of control feeling of having a new baby, the sleepless nights, the loneliness, the never being able to get everything done, etc. Combined they make a nice tornado of tormenting guilt ridden thoughts of never being good enough. Plus throw in being a Pastor's wife, who is already held to a higher standard. =all this equals a girl who needs some good ol quality counseling.

I share all this not to embarrass family, or to beg for sympathy. I have a GREAT life. One of the BEST marriages ever, (seriously I believe that with all my heart) and such wonderful children. We also have an amazing church we serve at that is our DREAM come true. I also have friends who share alot of the same struggles.

I wanted to share this because I know, I KNOW that there are so many of you out there just like me who silently have struggled for 4,5, 6 years since your first baby was born. I just want to offer some hope that is DOES get better. and that there is medication, therapy and people just like you who will listen. I am doing this for my children, for my husband, for my ministry and for myself. I want to be the most healthy mom I can and this is cheaper and healthier than a dozen Krispy Kremes a day. :)

Spring Chaos

Spring brings chaos in my mind.

Spring break means no Pre K for Emery,which means she needs entertaining 12 hours a day. While also have to simultaneously entertain her brother for 12 hours. ANDDDD I''m expected to do this Spring Clean thing.

Two weeks ago we started on the laundry room and it looks amazing. I've actually enjoyed being in there. Benji finished painted it this week. Now all I have to do is find a light I want to hang and we will be done with that makeover!

I decided on a whim today to clear everything out of my closet. Last week I had already gone through the shoes so there was a big ol black trash bag full of shoes gone from the closet when I started today.

Okayyy. Here are a few reasons that really have kept me from doing this along time ago.

One. I felt like i had done it so much already! we moved from Louisville to Greenville and I got rid of a ton of stuff then. Once we bought a house in Greenville I got rid of a ton more stuff that we had in storage while we were in an apartment. I had a great yard sale.

Then a few times each year I take a load to good will.  I feel like I am constantly throwing crap out. I don't keep papers, even some I should keep.

Number Two reason that's kept me from tackling the closet is that in my mind I keep telling myself I'm going to get back down in weight and will be able to wear, you know, THOSE SIZES..... my favorite pair of jeans PRE BABY was a size SIX people from Abercrombie. I aint never ever ever gonna fit in those suckas ever again.


unless, UNLESS I get my "total mommy makeover surgery" where they tuck and cut and suck and perk up all the areas that have been ruined, malled, stretched and deflated by my lovely children.

I also finally got rid of the teeny tiny size 6 bikini from J. Crew that I bought for our honeymoon. 11 years ago. I let it go.

It really is an emotional process. Mainly because it teaches me that I have ALWAYS had an issue with my weight. (in my head of course). I remember feeling self conscious and fat on my honeymoon in that bathing suit. Obviously I was smokin! I'm 5'7', when I got married I was 125. When I graduated high school I was 115. Every year since I can remember, I think it started in 4th or 5th grade, I started thinking about being fat and thinking that was the reason for ____, _____, _____, and _____. whatever. It was my constant stresser.

I look back on my life and in some ways now, I love my body more than ever. To have grown, developed  two healthy, big babies in my womb has made me realize what exactly my body was made for. Emery and Jesse are my two proudest accomplishments.

I will be honest again, because that's how I roll.....I have not tried AT ALLL to lose weight and get back into exercising after having Jesse. So I have no excuse and I'm not going to complain.  I've honestly been just barely keeping my head above water the first year of life with another child. My Post partum depression is MUCH better now. Not even something I think about daily, I'm feeling great and feel like I finally have a grip on how to get stuff done!

I know how weight loss works. I lost 40lbs in seminary after i realized sitting in lecture halls for 4 years had put a few pounds on my rear. I lost around 40-50 lbs after Emery was born. Both times I worked very hard at it. I did Weight Watchers religiously the first time and the second time I did W.W. some but mostly worked out consistently.

So I know now what I have to do. I am getting rid of all the clothes that don't fit me NOW. AT THIS MOMENT. If I get back down to a six, I swear I'm going on the biggest shopping spree ever.

and P.S. I will never hate my body like I hated it when I was in my teens and twenties. It's a shame because it's exactly what I long for now and I didn't appreciate it when I had it.

My Own Fault

I tend to "over share" and I need to stop.

Because what ends up happening is people think they know the whole story when really they only know the part I shared.

I'm realizing that at my point/place in life right now It is better for me and for my family if I stop being such an open book.

Why you ask? well I don't regret blogging about my struggles with PPD, so many girls have dealt with it and now they don't feel alone...

BUT I've heard some harsh words from some well intending people over this issue.

Like, if you can't handle the 2 you have don't have a 3rd....

If you have not dealt with it then you do not understand.

And trust me if you have to ask yourself...."hhmmm, I wonder if I had that?" Then you didn't. You know when it hits you because it's like a ton of bricks.

It's not about the kids/babies. It is not about some underlying issue that I haven't dealt with. It is a physical issue that some women deal with after a baby. Just like some girl's stomachs bounce back faster, some mom's hormones bounce back faster and some go bizerk. Mine tend to go bizerk.... It is MORE THAN JUST THE BLUES.

It has nothing to do with my ability to mother one, two, three or four children.

I dealt with it after Emery, I am still dealing with it after Jesse and if I choose to have another baby or 4 more babies I will deal with it then as well.

I'm not really sure what I'm going to do with the blog. I love to have it as a journal outlet, to record my children and life. It does make me vulnerable though and I'm not sure if it will hurt me in the long run.

Who's Da Buddha?

Having babies has destroyed my body. More so with numero 2... I can not explain the devastation it causes to have no control over your physical appearance. I gained WAY less this time with Jesse than I did with Emery.

And Yet....It is way harder this time around to lose the left over baby weight. It would be different I think If I had always had weight issues, but I haven't. I struggled with vanity weight, weight that I wanted to lose but didn't need too.

Now I need to lose this weight and let me tell you it is hard to concentrate on healthy eating when you've been up every three hours during the night.

I'm barely staying above water here and the fact that I look like a deflated whale ain't helping.

Of course the babies are worth it. Most of the damage is genetic, meaning some women bounce back from pregnancy better than others. C-sections also add a whole different level to destruction.

I am one of the lucky girls who's genetic make up includes skin that does not bounce back.....

I'm learning to deal. It's just going to take some time.

30 Something Weeks

Honestly I can't remember right now how many weeks I am and finding out would require me getting up off the couch, which just aint gonna happen!

Okay well that was yesterday, the phone rang, I talked, and then I couldn't even remember why I started this post in the first place.

Oh pregnancy brain is in full effect.

You know that is a real condition in pregnancy? Not just made up stuff here!

I've officially given my brain over to thinking about nothing but this baby. Oh and I'll be 38 weeks on Monday. 12 days left until the big day.

I thought that this weekend would be reserved for finishing up last minute details, but Benji thought today was a great day for golf...So once again another day will go by without the nursery finished....sigh... poor second child. Emery's nursery was done at like 28 weeks! Ha! Jesse's nursery is now knocking on the door of week 38 and still nothing on the walls. :(

Last night I was awake from 3 until 6 with outrageous reflux/ heartburn. It's not really heartburn because it feels like acid in my throat, but I guess it's really all the same.

Yes I take reflux medicine. Prevacid 24 hour, only it's now lasting about 12 hours max. I find that if I eat later in the evening that it is better. Weird I know, but last night we ate pretty early so Benji could go to a basketball game. I KNEW I should have had some ice cream right before bed! Ha!

I dreamed about the baby for the first time last night as well. That and the reflux made for a restless night.

I dreamed that we brought him home and I could find NO BOTTLES anywhere to feed him.

Bottles are the one thing on my list I made Benji check off before he left for his man day of golf this morning. They were up in the attic somewhere, impossible for me to climb into at this stage in the game. He found them, I'll wash them today, and hopefully sleep dream free tonight. :)

Bottles, yes bottles, not boobs. No breast feeding going on here in this house.

Feel free to judge if you want. My sanity is more important than other's opinions and a sane mama equals a happy, healthy baby. I wish more women would support each other instead of passing judgement.

Yes I realize breast milk is optimal.

I also realize a non medicated, vaginal birth, next to a cool brisk stream on top of mossy rocks is optimal too, but ya know what? Emery's C-section saved her life and mine.

If I had been stubborn and selfish and insisted that my doctor wait for me to labor, we'd be D.E.A.D.

I wish mothers would grow up and get over themselves. Sometimes the best thing to do isn't always the most trendy or popular.

A healthy mom and a healthy baby are most important.

There's my soap box. Thank ya very much. Now on to that 'to do list'.....

Wordless Wednesday, On Thursday

Emery's Natural Birth

Okay. So it's been awhile since I posted about breastfeeding. I promised then that I would post my thoughts on delivery, so here it is.

This is a big big issue for me. I am so, SO tired of Christian women being stupid and irresponsible when it comes to the issue of child birth.

I don't even know why this is so prevalent in the Christian community, but it is.

Let me be clear. ANY child birth is a "natural" birth. There is a cesarean section, and a vaginal birth. Any woman who has carried and developed a human for nine months has had a part in the "natural" progression of human life, the birth experience no matter how it occurs is part of that "natural" process.

If your doctor recommends a c- section, it is not because he/she is late for a tee time, he/she is not just ready to go home.....it is because it is in the best interest of the baby AND mother.

I think it is irresponsible for Christian women, or any women for that matter to make a new mom question their "mommyhood" because they didn't labor for 36 hours......

Cesarean mommies have their abdomen split open.....I think that counts towards "labor points".

That's my soap box. I'm not saying don't ask your doctor questions. Be informed. But don't' be stupid. Or Paranoid.


Healthy mom, healthy baby is what counts. Period.

Shout Out To Me

I'm taking a moment to congratulate myself on working hard.

I've lost FORTY pounds.

Most of you know I gained 60 with Emery. Not a good idea. And I don't recommend it to anyone who is planning on having a baby.

I will not do that with the second.

It's been really hard. It's been really slow, but it is coming off and I am beginning to see the results. I've got 20 more to go until I'm back at my pre pregnancy weight.

Yay me.

Bebe Au Lait

Oh the pages I could type on my experience with breastfeeding. If you really want to know all my aches and pains, ask and I'll let you know.

But for now I am going to share the most important things I learned throughout my pregnancy and first few months attempting to nourish my baby.

They're are alot of crazies out there. Don't believe everything you read online. And just because it's in a bookstore, in the pregnancy section, does not mean you should read it. This applies to anything, not just breastfeeding.

Trust your doctor. They are the doctor for a reason. The nurse is not the doctor. Your best friend is not the doctor. The lactation consultant, doula and mid wife....they are not the doctor either.

A healthy mom and healthy baby are most important. Baby can not be healthy if mom is not healthy.....No matter what they drink.

If you are breastfeeding your baby but hate your life because of it you are not doing the best thing for your baby.

I believe it is selfish for a mother to continue to try and breastfeed when they are not able to provide adequate nourishment.

There are plenty of mothers who could feed an army of babies with their milk supply.

But if you have a low milk supply, latching issues, etc, that can not be worked out, and continue to try and breastfeed because you are worried about what others will think,that is selfish. Formula is okay. Your baby will not be stupid, they will not be sick all the time.......

IT IS OKAY TO GIVE YOUR BABY FORMULA. IT IS OKAY. YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOTHER....

There are alot of benefits of feeding your baby formula. Daddy can bond with the baby during feeding. So can Grandma, Grandpa, aunts, uncles, friends, whoever.

Mama can sleep all night and recover faster from delivery. This is extremely important for women who have had C- sections. A well rested mom equals a happy mom, and a happy mom equals a happy baby.

Baby picks up on the energy surrounding them. If mom is cranky, worn out, fatigued, overwhelmed...etc, baby will feel that emotion.

The goal is healthy mama, healthy baby. To have a healthy baby you must first have a healthy mama.

The point of this post was not to discourage breastfeeding. I believe in it 100%. I wish I could have been able to breastfeed Emery. It was very hard for me to give up the dream I had of giving her my milk. I do believe it is the best way to feed your baby and obviously the cheapest.

But. If you can not do it, if you hate your life because of it, if you think you've ruined your life because of the turmoil of trying to breastfeed..... if you just feel like it is something you don't want to do....then don't do it! It is not that big of a deal in the long run.

Emery has been sick once in six months and she did not even have a fever.

She is the most beautiful child ever to be born. And she is brilliant.

Baby's Mama

Before I became a mom I devoured any information I could find on how to be the BEST mom. I read random blogs of mom's I didn't know, read half a dozen books on how to have the the BEST delivery, how to give my child the BEST nutrition...and so on.

Google was my BFF in those last few months of pregnancy. Some of the info I found, looking back on it, I probably could have done without.

I've decided that over the next few months I'm gonna post my own "mom advice".......

First post. Breastfeeding.
Second post. "Natural" Delivery.
Third post. Vaccines.

You may not like what I have to say, but that's why this is my blog. Stay tuned.

Post Partum Blues

My hair has finally started falling out. This is unfortunately one of the side effects of pregnancy. They don't tell you when you ARE pregnant that all that luscious, thick, shiny hair falls out after the baby.....

So while you are sleep deprived, scarred with stretch marks (in places you didn't even know could get stretch marks), fifty pounds over weight, still wearing maternity cloths (five months later).....your hair will start to fall out in clumps.

Oh the joys of motherhood.