Summer is Near!!!!

 Summer is coming! and it is moving fast already. Jesse and Hadley have one week left of MMO. Emery follows close behind and will be officially a 1st grader! I can not believe how fast her first year of school went. She has grown so much and has become such a little person. I love spending one on one time with her, I feel like we are soul mates. I love her so.

Hadley is finally walking. At 14 months I didn't think she would ever start but she has. Today she walked around the entire house, just like Frankenstein, with her arms out stretched in front of her. I love it so much. She has been a blast. I'm not saying my days haven't been hairy,  LORD YES they have. But I am so glad we took the plunge and decided to add a 3rd into our mix.

All 3 of my kids constantly run their mouths. So no issue on the talking milestones. We've had a great start to spring with trips to Georgia to see family and tons of time spent here with friends.

 On a sadder note, our dear closest friends on staff at our church are moving (just 45 minutes away) so that David can be the senior pastor at a church near Clemson. I am so excited for them, its their hometown, he is an amazing talented, gifted pastor, can sing AND preach like nobody's biznas and is one of the funniest, craziest guys you will meet. The worst part about it is he is taking his wife, my friend, with him. When we first moved here and started at the church they were so kind and gracious to us. David took Benji under his wing and showed him the ropes around the church. Jocelyn took me under her wing and showed me all the great shopping stops! ha. No really she has been the most encouraging person in my life for the past six years. The role of Minister's wife is a role like no other. Pastor's work Dr's hours, are always, always on call no matter what. They have mountains of expectations and responsibilities thrown on them everyday. They are excepted to be everywhere at once, all while being an example of a Godly husband, father, friend, shepherd, teacher, disciplinarian, etc....it is sometimes OVERWHELMING.

All that to say we would have not made it these first 6 years without the love and support of this family. Benji and I are happy, settled in and more confident now after six years. We will be okay without them, and we know it is for the best and we also know it is apart of ministry. But I would be lying if I didn't say there is a tiny whole in my heart where my friends the Kay's used to reside. I wish them nothing but success, and I know that will come. God be glorified in His work through David and Jocelyn.

So that's about caught all my faithful readers up with our life. I'm still working on getting this stay at home mom thing down. The mundane gets to me and somedays are still bad days. But I am doing so much better mentally and physically. I'm about to start working with a Naturopath/Nutritionist to see if I can continue to heal myself from the inside out. I've been on a long journey and so has my poor family. BUT it is what it is. Everyone has their battles. Thing are looking up and I'm excited about the future. 

Hello Spring!

    I was hoping I would continue posting here regular. But y'all 3 kids and Benji working 2 jobs aint no joke. we run a 100 miles an hour all week. Emery has homework every night. Church on Weds night and Sunday night (and a.m. obviously).... Jesse has preschool 2 days a week. You would think I would get more done with the littles off at school a few days, but I just spend all my time in the CAR!!!!! 

We are all so glad it is spring finally. This weather has been brutal! 30* one day 70* the next. Emery is so confused about what to wear to school. AND so am I! ha. 

Benji's schedule is slowly picking up and will swing into full spring break/summer mode in a few months. I always say summer is his busiest time, but actually he's just always busy! 

This has been a great past few months. Hadley turned ONE!!!! I've started clearing out, selling, donating, all my baby stuff. I have not been sad at all! I am so thrilled that I have 3 healthy children that are growing and thriving. Who would want their kids to always "fit in a baby swing???" that's how I have to look at it. :) 

We are Dave Ramseying it up in this hizzous. I aint gonna lie. It was hard the 1st month. Now I am actually enjoying the challenge (and benefits!) We are both ready to start getting serious about our future. We do have two weddings and 3 colleges to pay for! NOT to mention 3 kids that will need cars....oh mercy! 

I've been administering my own allergy shots for a few months now. Through my family Dr. of course. He has an allergy specialist that trains you to give your own. Each month I go back to get the next dose. Hopefully it will knock out my allergies for good in about a year, year and a half! It's really just like giving insulin to yourself i guess, except I do it every other day. 

I got this cool EPI pen I get to carry around in case I have a reaction. Ha. 

Now if ya know me, ya know I'm a little granola, a little hard core modern meds. Im a FIERCELY Pro- Vaccine, it's totally my soap box... (another post). Im also very pro mental health medication/ therapy. I am convinced now more than ever, after suffering from PPD for basically 5 years, that it is a hormonal, chemical imbalance. I believe that medicine and therapy are the BEST ways to combat this illness. I also do believe that it can go into "remission" with the right therapist and support system. 

I can't tell you how much I've learned about myself through therapy. The medication and counseling LITERALLY SAVED MY LIFE. I hate that I had to go through it, each time with each baby, but I am thankful that I can let other moms know they are not alone. It is SO REAL and SO HARD. Please don't be too proud to ask for help. A healthy Mother = a healthy child/family. 

Which also leads to my polar opposite side. ha. Im talking straight granola hippy here. I've started using Young Living Essential Oils. Short story of it is that Ive always been a huge proponent of aroma therapy. I have always been intrigued by the chemistry of perfumes,  and the psychological impact they have on our memory, our brain and our emotions. Now I'm not looking for oils to cure cancer, autism, heart disease, my depression or OCD. (not yet anyway) BUT I do believe that they can help me with my stress and tension. They are good for antibacterial uses. They SMELL amazing when you diffuse them. There are some that are great for stomach issues, headaches and allergy symptoms. That's what Im in it for as of now. No selling just buying and learning. If you are interested in Young Living Essential Oils let me know and I will steer you in the right direction. There is still a ton I don't understand/know. I do know that they help my headaches and congestion and make my house smell amazing. So. Those 3 things are worth it too me. :) 

Don't worry Im not praying to Buddha or stopping modern meds for "snake oil" I'm just interested in seeing how far God's natural products can take us in the name of health. 

So when I heard about all the great benefits of E.O's It made perfect sense to me. I have loved getting to know my Young Living Essential Oil Premium Starter kit. I've also found out about the benefits of Oil Pulling. (google it) anyway. I am slowly transforming my life into the life I am most authentic in. It's going to take me this entire year I am sure of it. But everyday I see myself making improvements and steps in the right direction. I'm finally excited about the future for the 1st time in awhile. It feels great! 

AND SERIOUSLY how beautiful are my girls? I am so blessed with such an amazing family. My cup runs over daily. Life is good and I am so, so happy to be exactly where I am. 

Late Night With KLadd

I freakin love Jimmy Fallon. And I am so pumped that he has taken over The Tonight Show. Benji and I DVR it and watch it at 8pm after the kids have gone to bed. ha.

Sooooooo I haven't blogged in awhile. Partly to blame is Instagram. I feel like I share my photos, which is most important, so blogging took a back burner. I've also started reading like a mad woman again. I've always been a big reader. Especially in my young teen years. In Seminary I got out of the habit of reading for "fun" just because I had so much to read for school. But! finally I am getting back into reading. Having spare time sitting in the car line to pick up Emery has given me great time to catch up. There are so many classics and so many recent books that are true gems. I've missed out on so much taking an academic approach to reading. I forgot how much joy there is in reading a book purely because you want to.

So have you all read The Hunger Games series? FOR REALLLL..... I was a skeptic. For along time. I was like that's trash, that's science fiction....man was I wrong. One of my good friends recommended them to me and i trust her book choices. So I gave it a chance. One of the best series I've ever read. So compelling and smart and tragic and beautiful. I am on the edge of my seat for the DVDs to come out. Anyway.

I've also been doing a lot of "work" on myself. It's no secret that becoming a stay at home wife and mother (and pastor's wife) completely rocked my world.  I've been on a sort of self rediscovery journey. I've made peace with a lot in my past, and I've realized how blessed I am with the PRESENT.  I am trying my best to not worry about the future. I know who holds it in His hands. God has been so apparent to me in the past year.

I do however, want to keep this blog active. There is so much good going on in my life right now. SO many break throughs, recoveries, renewed passions, freedom from bondage, redeeming grace. The list really goes on and on. I feel like I am truly alive again for the first time in a long, LONG time.

We had a hard first of the year. Two family tragedies in the span of one week. So January was spent in transit from here to Gainesville and back.

But February was full of snow, birthday parties for Hadley (1) and Jesse (3). I now have one day, Thursday, that all my kids are at school. Emery in kindergarten and Jesse and Hadley in MMO at our church. I still haven't figured out quite what to do with all that free time (4 hours! ha) but I'm planning on making the most of it.

Sorry for not being present in the past few months.

But not to worry, I'm back and believe me, I'm better THAN EVER!

Where Is The Time Going!!???

I am so pumped about Christmas this year. This year we will be spending time at our home as a family of 5! While we will miss extended family, I am so thankful that we will have the time to spend together. 

We've all been sick since about mid October. BOO! It's been a nightmare. Hopefully this week we are on the mend and will be ready for Christmas, healthy and well. 

Christmas is so much fun with kids. I cherish these days that they are little. Praise The LORD for all the goodness that he has given us, Through his SON and through our family. 

My heart is over flowing this season with gratitude for all our blessings. MERRY CHRISTMAS ERRBODY! 

LOVE, THE LADD'S 

End Of October

First off, I need to post this recipe.

Im kind of a closet meatloaf lover. It never sounds appealing to me but I love to buy the one in the Publix butcher aisle. It's pretty pricey though and my family has grown enough that I'm about to have to start buying two. I saw this on Facebook, hopefully we'll be trying it soon!

BEST MEAT LOAF EVER

Halloween has come and gone. in fact, the entire month of October has come and gone in a blur. Most of it has been spent with kids being sick, watching GA football, mama being sick, daddy being at work and kids being sick!

We did have a great halloween, with some great friends.

Emery is loving kindergarten. I have to say that I have begun to miss her a little during the week. it just seems so long for her to be out of the house.

Jesse loves MMO and I love the one on one time I get with Hadley.

Hadley is sitting up and jabbering like a boss! She is so loud! Ha I guess she has to compete with her siblings.

I am so looking forward to the holidays. Hopefully things will slow down just a little. I would love to spend some quality time with family and friends.

Gettin Real Up In HEERRRE

Benji's running 8 minute miles after 3 weeks of running. ever. He's given up Diet Mt. Dew and is "just eating less". lost 11 lbs.

So I've got to get with it. I gave myself until this 5k we ran a few weeks ago. Then I got serious about getting back to my pre baby routines/ health/weight. As of last Thursday I have lost 2 lbs...woopty do. But seriously I know that 2 lbs a week is a good slow way to do it. I'm watching portions and trying to cut back on carbs and processed foods. I also gave up buying diet coke!!!! BELIEVE IT!!!! I have one about once a week and that is it. I figured I've been chronically dehydrated since I had Hadley. I feel so much better eating well and drinking more water.

Soon I will be joining the YMCA again. and I can't wait. I LOVED the classes they offered and honestly it is a great get away/stress reliever for me to get away from the kids for an hour and do something for me.

I've also made a conscious decision to be more physical around the house. Cleaning regularly, vacuuming more often and mopping. I feel like that is cardio that is killing two birds with one stone!

I realize this is going to be a long journey. I'm not looking or wanting overnight results. I want to have a healthy life style, a healthy body and mind.

I am finally feeling like I'm coming out of the fog of new babyhood. Hadley is 8 months now and is the greatest blessing.

3 kids are hectic, aint gonna lie. Especially when Benji is so busy. I just miss him so much and the kids miss him.

We are so blessed though. I'm beginning to feel real joy again, which I haven't in a long time. I'm beginning to feel motivation and energy and determination to change my body physically and mentally. I am not wishing these baby days away, but I am excited about getting to the point where I have time to work on the health of myself.

Book Worm, Night Owl, Perks of Being a Mockingjay

Sorry for the lack of posts.

I am reading, alot.

And I am trying to stay off the internet as much as possible.

and I got three kids now.

and one's in kindergarten

and it's college football season.

I've been busy with life. Which is good. Being busy keeps me moving, which keeps me less depressed.

and that's a good thing.

Hadley's Birth Story

So here it is 6 months later. I still havent finished mailing out her announcements, so dont feel bad if you didnt get one.

Hadley was due on the 19th. On February 5th I went to my regular OBGYN check up.

My blood pressure was as normal as could be, but the protein in my urine count was waaaay high.

Baby coming out today!

I knew with Emery the day she would be born, and I had that same feeling that day with Hadley.

Now let me say that my normal BP is like 90/40....which in many cases is low. But that is usually my normal, non pregnant number. So being pregnant it goes up. What I am getting at is just because mine was a normal level, for me it was high.

Honestly I have no idea what time is was. Probably around noon when I got home and told Benji that we were heading to the hospital asap. And that I most likely had pre-eclampsia. Which I was not expecting at all. I was waiting on confirmation from my Dr. that the labs indicated preeclampsia. I had time to take a shower, call some family and friends. Then off to the OR we went.

Now this was my 3rd C-section so I was not as nervous about that. Just that my body was apparently giving up and kicking Hadley out. I Was definitely not prepared for what was about to happen.

I had a GREAT experience with Jesse. the Anesthesiologist and his crew were amazing. I had my doctor of choice doing the section.

With Hadley I immediately felt uneasy about the spinal and the fact that my Dr. wasn't on call and I had to have one I had never even met.

With all 3 of my sections the Anesthesiologist have told me "you're going to feel like you cant breathe, but if you can talk, you can breathe."

Well, ya know what happened next. Everything was going great. Normal routine, Hadley was out, Benji got to see her. I got to see her.

Then I could not breathe. NO REALLY. COULDN'T TALK, COULD NOT BREATHE. NOTHING. I was gasping for air and trying to get the attention of anyone.

Next thing I knew I heard someone say "we have to put you under, Benji, please step out, " and that was it. I was put to sleep for 45 minutes and intubated because my spinal ended up turning into a total spinal. you can google it if you need. But basically once the baby was out I lost enough fluid and blood, weight, to throw off the balance of how much spinal I had and how much my body could handle.

I kept thinking "this must be how Michael Jackson felt" haha.

Once I woke up I still had not realized what happened. Everything was a blur and my memory is a little hazy. They moved me to a baby and mother room, I thought everything was fine.

Then the Dr. that did my section came in and told me that I had lost a lot of blood. ummm I was at a 4 BC. normal is like 12....sooooo needless to say they were going to have to give me a blood transfusion. Two bags of blood later I still felt horrible. My kidneys were not functioning because of the loss of fluid and blood so I wasn't allowed anti inflammatory pain meds, so my pain was through the roof.

I actually ate nothing the entire time I was in the hospital. The day they discharged me I was still nauseous and barely able to stand, not from the pain but from the loss of blood.

Basically this was the worst birth experience of all 3. Emery's was scary because she was sick, Jesse's was great and Hadley's was horrible because I almost died. THREE IS ENOUGH FOR THIS CROWD. I am perfectly content with the 3 babies my body has grown and carried. I am so thankful that they are healthy and that I am here to watch them grow.

My PPD was about the same this time. I still struggle with it daily. Actually this 6 month mark has been the most difficult, but I think that may have to do with Benji being gone so much this summer and Emery starting kindergarten.

I am hopeful that as soon as my hormone levels settle, I can start exercising regularly, that I will be able to look back on my season of PPD and find some way to help other mother's who have the same issue.

So if any of you out there have dealt with PPD. LET ME KNOW! Im an expert....haha. I have good days and bad days. The stereotypes and "stories" you hear are not necessarily how it all plays out. I am here for anyone dealing with feelings that they don't wish to have nor that they can control.

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT and you can not pray your way out of PPD. I am a Christian, a very firm one. I believe in the power of prayer in all things and I do believe it can help, but PPD is a hormonal problem. You need to talk with your OBGYN if you feel like you may be struggling with it. I will post more on my journey through PPD and OCD. combined= a hot mess! But I have Dr's who love me and want me to be the best mother I can, so I braved the judgment of others and got medical help. Which most definitely saved my life.

LIFE CHANGING!

HOW TO KEEP GUACAMOLE GREEN!!!!! OMG!!!! Please tell me I am not the only one who did not know this secret!?

Assessment= Judgment

Let's all be real here. Emery had her kindergarten "assessment" today. Which is really where they "judge" where they are in their math, coordination and whatever else skills. Which is fine, I totally understand they need a base line to start at with each kid.

Jesse has strep.

Benji has VBS in a town about an hour away this week.

To say that I have been a little off my rocker would be an understatement.

I'm going through the kindergarten parent depression, the end of summer depression and the my baby is eating solid foods and is almost 7 months depression. Plus my usual dose of crazy. This weeks been fun.

I swear if I can just make it past Wednesday, when Emery starts school, I will be okay. She is ready. I am ready, really I am. (that's basically why I had Hadley. So I could send Emery off to school. :).

As much as I love down time, vacation, Saturdays. I do run better on a structured environment. I need order in my life. I need schedule, Lunch time, nap time, bed time. etc.

I've started really, REALLY getting anxious about losing baby weight. My knees are hurting, my back, my yada yada yada...whatever can hurt it does. I feel like the old man in UP when he gets out of bed and has to crack everything to get going.

Once Emery is in school and Jesse is in MMO twice a week I will be hitting up the good ol' YMCA again.

I did SO good after we first moved here and Emery was a baby. I worked out regularly and lost about 40lbs before Jesse was born. Then I gained about 30 with him and about 15 with Hadley. Soooo I'm basically back at where I started AFTER I had Emery.

Imma be honest y'all. This year has taken a toll on me. I look in the mirror, I don't know who I am I hear myself talking, I don't know who I am.....Mid life crisis definitely in effect here.

Well, that's it for now I guess. I know that Jesse needs to get in the bed and the dishes that have been in the sink for 2 days are not doing themselves.

Obsessed.

HELOOOOOO KING GEORGE!!!! I am so obsessed with this couple. Seriously, she could not be more beautiful and perfect and well, he IS Prince William. I was so excited when baby boy was born. 

Also obsessed with The Hunger Games. I know, I'm like 3 years behind but I just started and don't think I will stop until I'm done with all 3. 

Obsessed with juicing! Suja juice (check out their website) is my juice of choice. I feel like it's really making a difference in my over all energy. I actually have two juicers somewhere, probably in my mom's storage unit....but ain't nobody got time to juice 7 carrots and lbs of kale when I have 3 kids. So for now I am buying mine at Whole Foods. 

Benji is back packing in West Virginia this week. Whatever. 

We decided, since we just got back from the beach, that now would be a good time to switch Jesse to a toddler bed. So far so good. 

 I want to paint our bedroom. It's blah to me.....  

We had an amazing, wonderful, way too short time at the beach and I soaked up every moment. I slept late, took naps, and played in the sand with my kids. Such a much needed retreat for our crazy, busy family. 

Emery turned 5 while we were at the beach. She starts kindergarten in about two weeks. I'm OBSESSED about this as well. I can not believe it. She was 2 weeks old when Benji started working at BCBC. Now she is FIVE!!!!!!! 

Jesse also starts MMO this year. my sweet baby boy will be in school at the church twice a week. He will have Miss. Kim and Miss Nancy. (Who Emery started pre K with). I swear. They are the BEST 2yr old teachers on the planet. I can't wait until he gets to spend time with both of them. 

Hadley has cut 2 teeth in the past week. I am OBSESSED with this baby! I love her so much and am so thankful every day that we decided to have a 3rd. I'll be honest, I was scared. And I still have days (like yesterday) that I wonder "what was I thinking?" but then I also have days that I truly wish we could have JUST ONE MORE. But I am convinced that the LORD has led us to stop at 3. We have not given up on the idea of adoption, but my body is finished producing off spring. 

I am also currently obsessed with reading again. I got to read a few books on vacation and like any OCD patient I am currently in the middle of like 5 books! ha. I did get to finish one entire book on vacation. I am now reading The Hunger Games which I am so hooked on.

I am obsessed with LOSING THIS DAG GUM BABY WEIGHT. Seriously I am sooo so sos so so over it. Once Emery starts school I will get things rolling with either a gym nearby or our YMCA. I need to lose at least 50lbs. Maybe even 80. I just want to feel good about myself again and it has been along 5 years having one baby after another and moving 3,4 however many times. I need a routine and I am hoping that this fall brings one. 

Well, Benji and I celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary this month. I seriously can not believe it has been that long. We have been through so much. I love him more today than the day we married, so that's good! We spent a blissful weekend in Buckhead at the W Buckhead Hotel. Ahmazing. Hotel. We had a blast. 

I am heading to sleepy time. all 3 kidddos are tucked into bed and Benji is somewhere sleeping on the dirt ground. Ha! I am climbing into our down comforter bed. NIGHTY NIGHTY!

My Summer Reading List: Great Expectations!

Okay. tonight I am way scattered. Benji just got home from Serbia yesterday, so it has been a whirlwind of emotion and exhaustion and excitement and did I say exhaustion!?



Today we just slept in. Yes, even the kids. Hadley had her 4/5 month well check visit yesterday and got a ton o' shots. so she has felt pretty rotten.

We ate lunch all together as a family. Which I have to say is RARE now that there are 3. We will get used to it, I know. Emery is usually great, Hadley is obviously great. Jesse not so much. BUT he is two and he is a boy. I know that in a few years he will eat just as well as Emery does. Then we will be dealing with Hadley as a 2 year old. :)

Seriously. I am so, SO thankful to have a 3rd child. I know that does not sound like a lot to many people but she is such a blessing.

Any way. I am in therapy. (I swear I will share that story) but anyway. Something we've talked about is trying to find time for me to do things I enjoy.

Well believe it or not I enjoy reading. This summer I have found a few books, from various lists and friends that I think make up a perfect summer reading list.

I Have a kindle, so if it can be downloaded, it is.

I can not BELIEVE summer is almost over. I swear Emery was just born yesterday and now in a few weeks she will start Kindergarten. WAAAHHHHHHH. :(


Okay. So I'm back. Few days later. Here is my list. Most I've read, partially read, or really want to read. I read in binges. ha. Like the OCD I am. I wont read for months then one day i pick of 4 books and read them all that week. It's random, it's eclectic, its totally ME! ha

(I was going to link the books to Amazon but it's late and I have faith that you all know how to find books on Amazon).

1. The Great Gatsby- FSF.  DUHHHHH. Most of us read it in high school, but PUHLEEZE see the movie and the read it again. Magic

2. Love Does- Bob Goff shares stories of his life, faith and love. "Discovering A Secretly Incredible Life In An Ordinary World." This guy is super smart, and Christian. I haven't started this one yet, but it's been recommend by many. If you like Donal Miller, this dudes for you.

3. Tormenting Thoughts and Secret Rituals- Ian Osborn, M.D. "The Hidden Epidemic of OC-D. " reading up on my recent diagnosis.

4. Paris My Sweet- Karen Wheeler. I've been reading this one for awhile. I would pick it up and get really into it, then switch to another. Then I had Hadley...anyway I plan on finishing it this week. Great memoir of this women's move to Paris and her love affair with all things sweet.

5. The Paris Wife - Paula McLain. Inspired story of the first years of Hemingway's first marriage. To Hadley Richardson Hemingway. WELLLLLL. I named my daughter after Hadley. So I think that's enough said about this book. LOVE!

6. Melissa: A Father's Lessons from a Daughter's Suicide. - Frank Page. I could not put this book down. incredibly tragic, yet full of hope for those of us who suffer from depression. If you have a family member, friend, child, parent who has committed suicide, or if you have ever considered it. Read this book. Also I think all pastors should read this to better help them understand depression, drug use, and suicide.

7. Gone Girl - Gillian Flynn. I was introduced to this author back in my Starbucks barista days. When conversations flowed and coffee did too. This is a great beach read, good mystery.

8. Les Miserables- Victor Hugo. Do I really have to tell you WHY?

9. So Long, Insecurity- Beth Moore. I read this one awhile ago. It was wonderful. It's like she sees into the minds of women everywhere. WE ALL have insecurities and we all need Jesus.

10. Loving The Little Years- Rachel Jankovic. So if you want a hand slap or a butt whooping on raising toddlers, this one is for you. I LOVED this book. She also has a way of looking into our houses where little ones reside and giving my poor attitude a swift kick.


HAPPY READING!!!! SOAK UP THESE LAST FEW DAYS OF A RAINY SUMMER!

Day 3

July, 4th is really one of my favorite holidays.

This year I barely noticed it. I has been POURING, like monsoon rain all week. Benji finally made it through, Munich, Paris and safely landed in Serbia. They will be there for the next week running around like crazy with our dear friends the Hepners.

 This is Caroline. She has been my saving grace during Benji's time away.  She comes over once or twice a week, while I'm here to let me run errands, nap. do laundry, etc. My therapist, (different post for a different time) suggested that I get her to come once a week over the summer. GREAT IDEA.

And,.... Honestly I can remember if I posted about our beach trip to Student Life camp this year. If I did I'm sorry. But I took Emery this time for the first year by herself. I knew going in that my intentions were to minister to my oldest daughter. We had a blast. We ended up being there the week of my 35 birthday. 

We haven't celebrated yet. In a few week we are headed to ATL to spend the weekend, alone, together!  I can not wait until Benji and the crew arrive safely home from Serbia. And we can spend a few weeks together before School starts. 

I Hate Paris Anyway

NO REALLY, I don't. But Benji should be making his way now from Munich to Paris and then on to Serbia. 9 days and counting.

Emery cried tonight when I put her to bed because Benji always puts her to bed first, then I go in and say my prayers with them. They get a double dose of the Holy Spirit round here.

Anyway, I have two, three, request. Please pray for the safety of Benji and the group of graduated seniors/chaperons he has traveling with him. Pray for their travels and that they will see seeds planted among the people of Serbia.

Please pray that I make it through the next 9 days. YOU ALL KNOW I have a 4 year old, a 2 year old and a almost 5 month old. Today it basically poured rain all day. Which makes for a wild bunch running around like banshees.

I have tried to plan as much as possible for things that we can do "out of the house". I have also planned as much as possible for every meal for 10 days.

Today was a pretty good day. I had a babysitter come and help out for a few hours. Which really takes the edge off of the 4-8pm "Witching Hours" as I call them.

I really am glad for Benji to get to experience all the dreams I had of traveling......it's like he got my dream life. Whatever.

Love to you all, and PRAY for my sanity.

How To Look Expensive for Cheap!

Fun article! and actually most things I already implement. Finger nail polish is worth everything! and costume jewelry, buy that big ol $20 fake diamond. Fashion is fun and should make you feel less stressed, not more. 

Summer

Tis summer y'all we are in survival mode. Benji is super bizzy. And we are going from zero to sixty every couple of days.

I will be here when I can. I have so, so much to say. I just have 5 thousand lbs of laundry that call to me instead of blogging.

Jay Gatsby

I can't get over it y'all. the movie was so beautiful. and perfect. and the music, perfect. the colors, perfect, wardrobe. LEO IS GATSBY.

Any way. I am so obsessed with the 20's. With FSF, Hemingway, all the ex pats that lived in Paris during that time.....ANDDDDD!!!! and Dowton Abbey...I just can not contain myself.

We are doing great. Benji is finally done with the subbing for the Greenville Co. school system special needs transportation (for the year). All the graduation ceremonies and parties are over and we are so, so thankful for this weekend of rest at home. Which we will NEED once his summer schedule gets going.

Hadley is getting bigger by the day, as well as Jesse and Emery. I signed Emery up for KINDERGARTEN!!!!!! AAHHHHHH.  i really am excited for her, only a little sad and a little nervous. but i know she will love it and thrive.

I have been frantically trying to find things for us to do every day during the summer. So far I have every day booked but Tuesday, so that will be our "chill" day. play outside in water, watch movies, color, shop :)......I have LOVED having a 3rd baby. I do not regret it at all. we have had some hairy moments. but i am so in love with Hadley. I can imagine our life without 3 kids. God is so good to us. Even though I worried through the entire pregnancy he heard my prayers and gave us a healthy baby. What more could I ask for?

We start our summer schedule Monday. Benji is supa busy in the summers. So I try and plan things for us to do every day.

I swear I am posting Hadley's birth story soon. Just got to get some time to remember the order of things. Happy summer all!

My Mama's Chicken Pot Pie

Okay. This is HER recipe. I will make the notes on how I change it at the bottom, but I will post the original first.

Filling 
1 Chicken, cooked and cubed
1 can of cream of chicken soup (the big can)
3 cups of chicken broth
1 16 oz can of veg all, drained

Crust 
3/4 cup butter, melted
1 1/2 cup milk
1 1/2 tsp baking powder
1 1/2 cup self rising flower

*she always, always doubled the crust recipe. I do too. But I'm terrible at math so you can figure that out  yourself.

Preheat oven to 450. Combine chicken, soup, broth and veg all. Pour into 9 x12 casserole dish. in a separate bowl mix all the Crust ingredients Pour crust mixture over filling mixture. DO NOT STIR. Bake for 45 mins or until crust is brown.

*I use usually two rotisserie chickens instead of preparing my own. and just frozen peas and carrots instead of veg all.  I always double the crust recipe b/c of left overs. Mine is usually done before 45 minutes so check it. Amen. 

I'm Normal, I Swear

Obviously that last post was serious. But I wanted to clear up some things. First off, I don't go around like thinking about "that" stuff all the time. I'm too busy too. Benji and I go on dates, like for Sushi!!!! YUMMMM! and we may talk about stuff then, since we are alone, but for me it is not a daily issue. It just rears it's ugly head every once in awhile. Unfortunately it's usually about 12 weeks after one of my babies is born. But I swear I have done the best ever with Hadley. 

We went to a wedding last weekend and it got me thinking about TWELVE years ago when Benji and I were going down that path. 

Evidently, Bridal portraits are a southern thing. (who knew?) This is my favorite picture from that day. 12 years ago. I was turning 23 that day, This field was BEAUTIFUL.

Anyway going to our cousins wedding got me thinking about things I may have done differently at my own wedding. I swear I want to renew our vows one day. On the beach, with our 3 kids with us. it's a dream of mine.

 Here is a picture we took at like one a.m. haha. we were staying at Benji's parents house and were "trying" to sleep in a king size bed with the two older kids...

It didn't work and Emery and I ended up in a separate bed. I would seriously frame this photo if Hadley was in it AND if my chin wasn't like triple.....ugh. But besides me, I think it is adorable.

 Hadley and I spend alot of time together, one the couch. I hold her more than any of the other babies. I KNOW this is my last chance. She is awesome. SUCH a good decision to have a 3rd. I really feel like she has saved me from myself and has made our family complete. I can now relax and start getting my life back together, mentally, physically and emotionally.

 Mother's Day was awesome. I was treated so well. I got to nap and NOT cook all day. Tulips and an Eiffel Charm for my Pandora bracelet were the perfect gifts....I do not deserve my family, but I will gladly take them and enjoy them for as long as the LORD allows.

 My ADORABLE cards that Emery, Jesse and Hadley made for me on Mother's Day at church. I will treasure them forever.

This Is Me

So I've really been wanting blog Hadley's birth story, but honestly it is so long that when I sit down to type it I get tired just thinking about it. I will one day I promise.

Today, today is all about me. :) most of you know from past entries that I struggled with PPD with my first two babies. Thankfully, by the time I was pregnant with Hadley I was seeing a woman who had my chemical imbalance under control. I made it through the pregnancy and post partum with little to no issues. Since this most likely our last baby I feel such a weight lifted off my shoulders. Mentally and physically. There are so many ups and downs during child bearing years and I am not ashamed to say that I am happy they are over.

(adoption is still an open window, just not in the next 5 years) anyway. I feel like now is the time that I can finally work on getting myself back together, physically, mentally, and emotionally. PPD was just the breaking point for me. I have dealt with OCD my ENTIRE life and am just now working through some of those issues with a therapist that I happen to LOVE. I seriously want to be her best friend. Ha!

Anyway. So with all that I have been thinking about lately and for the sake of my family, I wont share every detail of my "issues" but I will tell you that OCD people are usually the most moral, perfection driven, self aware, hyper sensitive beings. On the outside the are the ones excelling and seemingly have a picture perfect life. On the inside however, we are tormented with guilt, stupid superstitions, constant negative talk about our selves. NOTHING I ever do is good enough for ME. I hold myself to a standard that can not be met.

Intellectually I have known this for awhile, it is just nice to finally have someone (therapist) to talk me through my never ending thoughts. I'm serious. My brain never, ever, ever, stops. It is exhausting.

Oh and I forgot to mention that my OCD has been present since childhood. PPD just magnified it because of the crazy raging hormones, the out of control feeling of having a new baby, the sleepless nights, the loneliness, the never being able to get everything done, etc. Combined they make a nice tornado of tormenting guilt ridden thoughts of never being good enough. Plus throw in being a Pastor's wife, who is already held to a higher standard. =all this equals a girl who needs some good ol quality counseling.

I share all this not to embarrass family, or to beg for sympathy. I have a GREAT life. One of the BEST marriages ever, (seriously I believe that with all my heart) and such wonderful children. We also have an amazing church we serve at that is our DREAM come true. I also have friends who share alot of the same struggles.

I wanted to share this because I know, I KNOW that there are so many of you out there just like me who silently have struggled for 4,5, 6 years since your first baby was born. I just want to offer some hope that is DOES get better. and that there is medication, therapy and people just like you who will listen. I am doing this for my children, for my husband, for my ministry and for myself. I want to be the most healthy mom I can and this is cheaper and healthier than a dozen Krispy Kremes a day. :)